Diary Entry# 14/06/12- Who are you really mad at?

When I’m busy I’m not really thinking of Mr X but sometimes when I stop I just see his stupid face…At first it was a constant replay of our last conversation and me thinking about what he’s doing with his new girl. But now I’m over being sad now I’m mad as hell. The only word that keeps coming to my mind is ARSEHOLE. Because he was so full of shit, so insincere and such a coward.

Now , I’m constantly cursing arsehole in my head. He was an arsehole who  took the piss and didn’t respect, value me constantly. Not because I did him anything but because he knew exactly how much I loved him. I mean who does that? it was as if I loved him too much… I tell you what he wasn’t wrong there I did.

And it pisses me off. I’m soooo f*cking pissed. But you know who I’m really pissed at ? ME. Like why the hell did I give a complete arsehole 4years of my life? I’m pissed that I had him sitting up here with me and my family just 2months ago. I’m pissed that I didn’t just walk away like this time last year. I’m pissed that I let him stay up in my place and get what he wanted. I’m pissed that I gave a shit when he was hospitalized. I’m pissed because I knew better and allowed this shit. Yes I’m pissed at my dam self!

lol today I started using a new purse(wallet) and threw my old one with his pic in it in bin! Came across a pic which I was actually gonna send back co it had one of his family members in it. But in a rage I ripped it up and in it also joined the dumpster. All other photos and keepsafes never really made it back out from after the first time he ended it to be honest so they can stay in whatever box their in for now.

I guess the upside is for the first time I don’t want him back, I wanna punch his self-righteous face in lol In all seriousness don’t want him. I so so so badly just wanna forget and be happy.

Just my pissed off thoughts tonight. I’ll be kool

The funnies: “Whatever u give a woman she will multiply, if u give her sperm she’ll make a baby. Give her a house she’ll make a home. So if u give her crap she’ll give u a ton of shit”

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 08/06/12 – Things I’ve (finally) learnt/learning from my past relationship and break up

You listen to so many opinions after a break up and read so many blogs or books with people giving advice. But do you listen? No. The thing is YOU’re more than qualified to give yourself the same advice- you just don’t want to take it.

I spent 7months post break-up and maybe 9months before being unhappy in my relationship. Because I didn’t listen to my head just going by my heart which was too broken to do me right. Plus with a side of low self esteem I put myself through extra stress and turmoil I just didn’t need.

But… I learn’t and am learning a few things on the way

Whilst in the relationship:

Don’t be in a relationship by yourself.
When you feel like your the only one trying in the relationship, when the other person is disconnected or
If you’re unhappy , and you’ve told him/her and he isn’t trying to make it better leave before he leaves you! Because that’s where your heading.

Don’t loose yourself
I did a post at the very beginning of my blogging journey about how I used to be way more confident and would not let anyone tear me down. Then 3.5years later I was a mess – I was thinking how did I get here? I did that by letting my relationship with him define me. I did towards the end just try to do my own thing have my happiness on my own and not rely on him to make me happy but I think it was a little too late.

Be selfish
Obviously being a selfish person in any kind of relationship isn’t good. But sometimes you have to take care of you. Similarly to the last point this helps not loosing yourself.

Don’t settle for less
I wanted my ex to just do things that most normal people want in a relationship I.e some commitment, to spend time together and do things together. He made me feel like I was evil and  asking the world of him or something he just couldn’t do. Of course he could, just not for me. Best believe he’d do it for her. So if what you’re asking for is not unreasonable then he just don’t want to give it to YOU.

Don’t give all your love to someone who only gives you half.
This shit can wear your self worth to null. Because if your giving 100% of your love to him, 0% to yourself and if he’s only giving you 50(or what ever he can be bothered)%. Then basic mathematics means you are always going to be at a loss.

You can’t change someone
If you date a commitaphode, a cheater a liar or a criminal or whatever don’t take it upon yourself to turn him into St. Paul more than likely a leopard never changes his spots. What I found difficult was that my ex went from perfect to a complete arsehole after the first 3 years I kept trying to change him back. But I thinks that’s what he does dates for a while then jumps shit if it ‘gets a bit much’ I can’t fix that.

After break-up

If you loose something you value you’ll try hard to get it back.
Everyone is entitled to end a relationship if they don’t feel its working. Sometimes if someone values another or what they had they would do everything they can to get them back. Mr X did not value me or our relationship at all which is why it was always so easy for him to quit on it. And each time he never fought for it. He would always choose to leave, never me. Its the worst feeling in the world to know you mean nothing to the one you love but its a reflection of them not you. Accept it so you can move on

Cut all ties
I was told this on numerous occasions lol even by some of you readers if I did I’d be 8months ahead in my recovery by now *sigh those who don’t hear eh?… Anyway it is hard and if they leave that window open for you its even harder. But it gives you the time to heal trust me when I say you’re just prolonging the breakup. If your meant to be friends down the line I guess it will happen. But being a friend to someone you want as a boyfriend is absolute bulshit. So clear him out your life you don’t have to go all waiting to exhale and burn stuff but do put any reminders somewhere they can’t easily be reached. And once you delete him you stop hoping everytime your blasted phone rings it him- I’m definitely happy about that

Don’t romanticise
Don’t just think about the good times although there might have been many, there is a reason why you’re where you are in this predicament.

You can do better!
Its hard to realise this when your self esteems in the crapper and your still deeply in love. People said it all the time ‘but you can do better girl… So many guys want you’ these kind of comments used to go in one ear out the other. But its true. I gave him my best he can’t really do better than 100% I can still get someone who’d give me more than 50%.

If someone is sending you mixed signals, you’re probably not their only option  I’ve spent the last couple months wondering what’s going on with me and him. I didn’t want to ask him because I wanted him to choose me – what a joke. All while I was ‘wondering’ he’s calling me and some new ‘baby’. Don’t be an option honey get your life! If you give someone cake they will eat it. He’s over you but he ain’t gonna turn down good p*@sy lol. And your giving it up complication free. Its safe and familiar till he finds someone knew. Take it from me and don’t be she.

Don’t rebound but do date
Don’t jump straight into relationship and mess up the next because of an ex. But its ok to date it takes your mind of him and its nice way to start feeling good about yourself again (though that should still be on you to do). I definitely have been stalling with other guys because of Mr X- though to be honest it makes them want you even more I’ve noticed ;-).

Don’t play the blame game
Its hard not to, especially when your dealing with someone who thinks they are always in the right and a complete angel. Its easy to start blaming yourself, he may even blame you. Don’t think about his new girl (wow I’m such a hypocrte with this this one lol) if she was half the woman you was he’d be with you. Sooner or later she may have to put up with the same BS you did I guess you could pity her lol. Honestly, just remember a liar is a liar and he’ll get his. You’re not perfect but neither is he.

~

Yes its only now these things are starting to make sense. The thing is when you love someone so much you will always try and hang on to that last bit of hope that you can build the future you once saw with him. So I totally get it if you’re going through this shit and take none of the above advice. But maybe you will and save months of extended heartbreak. I will say try not to listen to many peoples advice most are coming from a positive place but its not always what can deal with at that time. Besides like I said you know the right thing to do anyway.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry#08/06//12- The kick I needed to move the hell on

Its been about 7 months since I broke up with Mr X and I still couldn’t get over it.

We remained in contact and we slept together here n there. He never tried to get me back or fight for our relationship but was happy to entertain whatever we were doing. Because I loved him so much and couldn’t let him go I allowed myself to be his ‘in-the-mean-time‘ chick. Wow how did I drop so low? Fuck.

He disguarded me like rubbish 7months ago. And I’ve been seeing myself as such ever since. acting like I was ok still talking to him, hanging on with no commitment. I’m better than that! Yet I let my standards slip so low for someone who wasn’t worth it.

My two bestfriends (male and female) have been saying cut all ties so you can move on and I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I kept thinking and hoping for a chance reading into shit that he was obviously was just doing to use me.

I would act nonchalant to everyone but what I wouldn’t admit even to myself is that really I was hoping everytime he called me baby, anytime he phoned me (like just this week), anytime he text me or when he drove 5hrs to see me . Or when he was spending time with me AND my family when I was unwell, calling my parents …etc that it meant something he even had other people around me like my mum and friends were thinking maybe he wanted me back?? Damn I let my self-respect fly so far out the window. As much as I was trying to be cool, I told him I was ok with it and when ever I was asked what’s going on with you two I’d shrug like I didn’t care, but I was becoming more and more confused one minute we were cool next he was cold. I think he may still read my blog but I still wanted to just be honest on here I did some posts about some other guys who have been trying to date me, and ever since then he changed.

If someone is sending you mixed signals, you’re probably not their only option

I had my suspicions he was seeing someone new. Yesterday I asked if he wanted to meet up; I actually asked just so I could tell him we need to decide what were doing and let me know where I stand so I can move on that’s what I wanted to see him for I had come to that decision…but he simply replied ‘babe I’m seeing someone at the moment’

Well if that doesn’t kick me to move on I don’t know what will. I was dreading this day but now its here. I sent him a text saying he has lead me on (which of course he denied) and I have let him, but I won’t be anymore. I asked him never to contact me again. I’m done. When I get back to my flat tonight I’m going to remove all traces of him from my life for ever. I just want to be free. I didn’t respond to his ‘claiming his innocence text’ because there’s no point he with someone else if he wants to pretend he didn’t lead me on he can. Like I said he’s not to blame because I allowed it. Besides karma will do its thing.

This is a new start for me I’m about to be on to bigger and better things in my life so why not personally too. I’m not wasting anymore time, thoughts or tears on someone who ain’t caring or thinking about me! I’ve been passing up good guys because ‘I wasn’t ready’ when all I was doing was holding on.

What was I holding on to? A guy who has broken my heart so a multitude of times over. And each time not given a shit. He couldn’t give me the bare minimum I was asking for in a relationship and made me feel bad about his own inadequacies. Then if that wasn’t enough after we were over I let him do it all over again.

So you know what … He just did the best thing he’s ever done for me, I’m finally free!!!! I went to bed heartbroken and sad but woke at this crazy AM kinda happy weird huh?

no I’m not over him and yes it hurts like hell to think he’ll love someone else more than he did me. but I can not waste anymore time its his loss I have no reason to stay pining for him. He has brought more pain than positive to my life over the last year there’s no going back I do feel like I gave my love to the wrong one but that’s just it he was the WRONG ONE

Yes people I’m finally DONE.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry#29/11/11-After the storm…Update on it all part 2

Hey

I haven’t blogged since the weekend because my head has been so crazy full and I thought that I’ve done enough ranting posts, full of typos (sorry) and I was getting tired of hearing myself go on about it. But a lot has happened since and I’ve had a ridiculous amount of work to do (downing coffee -which I don’t even like- at this very moment just to stay awake).

Anyway, I went to bed Saturday night still hurting from what Mr X had told me about seeing other people. Sunday morning my alarm on my phone shouted at me to get up. I was planning on leaving London early to head back home and get on with my work. As usual I grabbed it and hit the dismiss button in the name of leave me alone for just five more minutes. At that moment the thought ‘I wonder if he’s text me ran through my head’ but then I was like don’t be stupid he’s moved on you won’t hear from him again. 5mins later my phone was screaming again, as I had in fact pressed snooze instead of dismiss (my subconscious is sensible) on turning off my alarm and resigning to the fact I have to get out of bed I got a text from him saying that karma is quick for what he has done to me and that he’s been hurt and hospitalised.

I was in a state of shock; so many thoughts went through my head at once; is he ok? Why is he telling me? Where is he? Why didn’t text one of his interest? I need to see him…

I spoke to my mum and aunty; my aunty wasn’t quite so sympathetic but my mum said you need to find out what’s happened. So I phoned one of his family members, they told me what they knew and what hospital he was in. I said I would go on my way to the train station.

I then got a text from him to say thanks for being willing to come given everything but he didn’t want me to come. That hurt, I wasn’t going there to profess my love for him. I could have easily turned round and said good he deserved it (and there were a few on my side who felt that way) or just ignored his initial text. But I was genuinely concerned about his well being. I simply told him not to confuse my concern for anything else and that I would respect his wishes and would not be visiting I figured he had someone new there to support him anyway.

A couple of hours later as I was getting off the train he text me;
I just thought u should know that i didn’t ask u not to come because i have someone here to replace u. I don’t. It’s because i don’t deserve your care and attentiveness. You are such a kind and loving person and i am so thankful that you are willing. I’ll be going into surgery today and i will keep u informed if u like. I won’t stop u from coming here but i really don’t think it will benefit you. He followed with a text saying where the hospital was.

I replied: I’m sorry but I’ve already left London, getting on with my work. You don’t have to explain anything else to me that’s between you and ur conscience. I wasn’t going to come and see you to gain anything but I was just concerned about your well being despite everything. I hope your surgery goes well you can text me updates.

I was just a bit overwhelmed that day not to mention I hadn’t done much on an assignment that was due in the next day! I was up till 6 the next morning doing it so it kept my mind busy to say the least.

Right now I’m really confused. I’m obviously really worried about him physically and I’ve been getting updates from his sister. I’m still very much aware this hasn’t changed anything between me and him, he made it clear that he didn’t love me a just a few hours before the incident, and if it never happened we wouldn’t even be speaking he’d be doing his own thing with whomever and I’d be trying like hell to forget him and to move on. He was out having fun that night whilst I was in bed upset.

My friends are asking me why do I care, it’s not my concern anymore? Ignore him they say. Part of me is still very angry with him and doesn’t care. To be honest on Sunday I wasn’t that emotionally connected, I just wanted to make sure he was physically ok and safe. But it’s been harder everyday that goes by because I do still love him and I’d like to think that I’m not a complete heartless bitch.

My mum has been the only one who has his back lol. She wants to visit him, she says he’s still human and despite what’s happened I should still support him as a friend.

The thing is I’m not sure he wants me too. I’m not sure about anything. I am still trying to move on because he textes me updates now, but once he recovers he may well remember I’m not I’m not important and go ahead with his life.

We did speak this morning though, he seems ok in himself but its complex and quite bad so will be recovering for quite some time. Felt pretty sucky after speaking with him. I probably shouldn’t contact him again as I don’t know if he wants me too -he sounded happy enough, even had energy to crack jokes and tell me to get on with my work- but whether it is a good idea for me, I don’t know. Part of me feels guilty for being here and not there.
But my friend said, he’s injured but he’s not in a life threatening position. So don’t contact him anymore. You know he’s ok so there’s nothing else for you to find out let him be the one to contact you. I’m in touch with his family either way and I do wish him well.

It’s all a mess really… This was not supposed to be a vent post or an essay, but oh well. I have a few drafts I’ve been meaning to post but I’m going to do some Uni work 1st. Coffee is finished now so back to the library :-(.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 26/11/11 – He’s been seeing someone else.

I broke my promise, I contacted him. I asked him what has changed who/what made him fall out of love with me. Everyone told me not to contact him, “he’s not worth it” they said but I did.
Anyway he told me what I’ve known all along.

He said “I am interested in seeing somebody else and no i am not in love with them”

I said “Ok well it makes sense now you were not trying to be with me because you were trying to be with someone else. Whether you love them or not doesn’t make it any better. Because you stopped trying to make our relationship work because u want a new 1”

Only for him to respond
“Technically there’s a few people i’m interested in.”

He said he’s been “investing” in ‘female friends, colleagues gym members’ basically everyone but me. He later back-tracked and said I was being childish and ignorant, making stuff up. That’s he is only “interested” in seeing other people he hasn’t started seeing any one else. For him to already be “interested” or “invested” he must have been emotionally seeking out someone else, whilst I believed we were trying again. He said he didn’t mean to say (or perhaps accidentally reveal) “invested” he meant “interested”.

He can use all the word play he likes he had already checked out of our relationship and has moved onto someone else in my eyes he’s been unfaithful. I asked him if any of his new ”interests” knew about me and he couldn’t say yes.

Oh and apparently its none of my business, I’m being a silly, he’s tired of listening to me make stuff up about not being honest with me, I have too much time on my hands. Too much time on my hands? I’m struggling to cope with my workload as it is now I have to deal with his mess! I wanted to just spit in his face. How is it none of my business? He’s dumped me after 3.5years to be with someone else and its none of my business?

He’s such a coward he wouldn’t answer me when I asked if he’s been sleeping with others, so I called him and he won’t pick up my calls later he just text me ‘no’. But I can’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
All this was said via text as like I said he cowardly refuses to answer my calls.

Oh and not just content with stupidly texting him I stupidly told him about this blog yesterday. I really wish I didn’t but I just wanted him to know exactly how I feel. At first he just sent me an email saying “pretty talented… You should write a book” but today he said “I don’t appreciate my business being on the internet but I appreciate you not using my name” (wouldn’t want people knowing he’s such a dog would he).
I simply said “I don’t use either of our names/ mention your family, workplace or address. And nothing I say on here is untrue.”

Maybe he read more since that initial email yesterday. And doesn’t like the fact its plain to see he’s been a horrible person (apparently he has done nothing wrong). Anyway the point of this blog was for me to process and deal with my feelings after the 1st time he broke my heart. I do it because I can be completely honest with myself and I’m going to try and continue like that despite the fact he knows about it.
To be honest he’ll probably won’t read it anymore.

I still can’t believe I loved someone who could be so cruel. So callous and unfaithful. Who is so quick to move on. They day I don’t care will be a amazingly great day. But I can’t help hurt about the fact he’ll probably treat this new woman better than he did me, he’ll want to see her, he’ll miss her he’ll love her more than he loved me, she’ll take my place … What if I hear he’s married this time next year? (Something he said he wasn’t sure he believed in)

Oh and another regret was telling about that guy. I just wanted to hurt him. Now he tried to throw it back in my face when I challenged his unfaithfulness saying ”u were with someone shortly after we broke up”
But I never slept with the guy, we simply made out at party, we still talk but I made it clear I was back with my boyfriend. And that happened after Mr X told me he didn’t want to be with me (the first time). We weren’t together which is totally different from him pursuing other women when we were still together. He couldn’t see me, he couldn’t call me for a whole week but he had time to be ‘interested in someone else’

Ugh I’m sorry I’m ranting I’m just hurting like hell. I know a lot of u guys out there must feel the same as I got the most hits ever yesterday. I will try and collect my thoughts and do some more coherent post. In the mean time pray for me.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 26/11/11 – Update on it all

So I went to London, my mum asked if I was going to see Mr X and I just teared up and told her he dumped me again. She said oh well your young there’s plenty more fish in the sea. Sometimes its annoying how my mum isn’t a sensitive person. But I feel I need to take a leaf out her book. I mean a man (my bio-dad) left her alone with a child and she just got on with her life. So my situation of a meaningless 3yr relationship pales in comparison. Still it hurts like shit.

Anyway I came to London for my friends graduation party. I really wasn’t feeling up to it. But I decided to go and my bestfriend/neighbour came with me. It was a black and white colour scheme so I wore a black n white pencil skirt, a black bustier and some black heels. I looked good, pretty hot if I say so myself. I really had a good time I danced the night away despite my heavy heart. I got told I was beautiful a few times, although I’m nowhere near at the point of giving out my number it was nice to hear it.

I came home checked myself in the mirror and I still looked good. But I felt awful, I can’t help but not feel beautiful. In the back of my mind I’m like what if I looked different would he had loved me then? I know its stupid but he didn’t love ME. I wasn’t worthy of his love. It sucks.

Everyone says its his loss, move on find a new one and no one wants that more than me. But I can’t help but think about what my life is going to be like now. Like Christmas holidays without him, valentines, my birthday or just a lonely weekend; I’ll be alone with out the one I love.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 25/11/11- I wish I never met him

My life is such a mess right now, I couldn’t face going to my lecture but I went into uni to hand in some work and I’m now sitting on a train, and with all the stress I forgot my rail card so there’s a fat chance I’ll get a fine. My throat is killing from throwing up all night I’m desperately trying not to cry an look like a crazy person on this train.
Mr X just text me basically trying to kick me when I’m down

“Didn’t sleep well at all, can’t work and can’t concentrate. Trying not to creat down at work and to pretend that everything is ok. I’m feeling regret, sorrow, self pity and anger in waves much like the time before. But i will not confuse this with the type of love needed to make a relationship work. Not this time. I just thought u should know that i’m not ok even though i don’t won’t to be with u romantically i always cared about u. I won’t be contacting u again but if by any chance somewhere down the line u do need my help with anything u can always call on me. Sorry again, best wishes”

So he’s feeling sorry for himself like I give a fuck. I hope he’s miserable because its nothing compared to how I feel. I don’t know why he felt the need to tell me again he doesn’t love me he’s made that pretty clear. Ugh I can’t believe I wasted so much time on him! I’m hurting because I gave him my everything, my time, my love, my virginity, my hopes my dreams everything. I gave the relationship my best and now I’ve lost it all, he only gave me what he had to spare so its never going to hurt him as much. What I can take solace in is that he didn’t give his best, he didn’t love me so I can still get that one day, he had the best so in actual fact his loss is greater. I just so bad want to be over him already. I really regret staying in this joke of a relationship. Right now I just hate him.

I sent my aunty the text she text back.
“Right, so wots key to that txt is he’s not gettn da love he needs fr u. So he’s either gettn it elsewhere or jealous that yr not givn him enough attention, or yr demandin to much commitment. Whichevr it is, get closure, let him
go. Time will heal. U’l find s’one better, sometimes men can’t handle it when their partnr are doing well, he knows your goin to gradu8 and do well maybe he feels stuck, ddn’t you say he was unhappy in his job? x” (sorry about her text abbreviations you know aunties are always trying to be cool lol)

I don’t know about getting closure its pretty much signed sealed delivered. He doesn’t love me. Its not for me to speculate what his reasons are; he needs professional help with that perhaps. All I know is I gave him me and that wasn’t enough but someday it will be someone else’s everything.

He really needs to get over himself I don’t want his help now or ever.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 25/11/11- The morning after

So I’m pretty exhausted after getting next to no sleep last night. I’m sure he slept like a baby now that he’s free from the burden that was our relationship (if you could even call it that).

I was pretty much in tears half the night tried to get some sleep then started feeling dizzy so I was violently throwing up for the rest of the night :-(. I think I had a bout of food poisoning last week as I was sick twice, but I have felt nauseous ever since and the stress from yesterday must have set me off throwing up again.

I’m feeling pretty raw right now. But surprisingly calm it hurts like hell, but at least I know I haven’t just been crazy for feeling the way I did for the last six months, I was right he didn’t care about me all along. I’ve just got to get on with my life, now that I don’t have him to bring me down. I know I’m still young and have yet to get the great things that are coming my way. He on the other hand is an almost 30year old trying to be 18 and just let the best thing he’ll ever have go. Hey but such is life I pity him really.

Its going to be hard but I’ll get through it. But like I said in a previous post I haven’t been through anything that’s set me back no matter how hard its been. I’m praying so hard that I don’t spend another day in love with him and that I get over it as quickly as possible.

I’m not sure about going to London because I still feel pretty sick and I’m not sure if a 2hr train ride will help and also I think if anyone asks I burst right into tears and really don’t want to waste anymore on him.

Thanks to my lovely flat mate/ friend who stayed up with me all night whilst I was both crying and throwing up- now that’s a friend!

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 24/11/11-He broke up with me … again

Ok so you are getting this raw live and direct from my bed via my blackberry. Mr X broke up with me again. I finally phoned him since we haven’t spoken from when I got upset about him not coming to see me. I could tell straight away what was coming, I asked him why I haven’t heard from him in over a week and he said “I guess you just haven’t crossed my mind” (first blow). I asked him if he thought that was ok? And he said “that’s how it is” (2nd blow). I said I feel you are not interested in this relationship again.
He said “I’m not in love with you anymore” (stabbed in the heart)

Imagine if I hadn’t have phoned I’d still be wondering and he’d be moving on he’s such a coward arse pussy he saw me like 3weeks ago and was still in love when he was sleeping with me.

We went back n forth for a while I guess I was still trying to hold on for a little bit longer. He just wanted to rush off of the phone. Its not that I wanted to change his mind, I knew this time this was it. We would never speak again. I told him how I felt. He said I’m trying to be the victim I think he’s trying to convince himself that he hasn’t done me wrong.
I did break down though although I saw it coming more than the first time its still cut like a knife. It feels like a death. I broke down completely I mean its already been such an awful week and this was the icing on the cake.

I just wanted to hurt him make him feel even a little of what he has done to me. I’ve sent him 101 texts (won’t be sending anymore though) just spewing venom. I also told him about the guy I briefly hooked up with when we broke up the 1st time. That was stupid but to be honest I don’t think he’d even care. He’d never admit it but my intuition tells me there’s someone else, and that bitch is getting all the things he couldn’t give me.

This time though I don’t want him back I just don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to spend another day in love with him. I want to not care and not feel just like him. I feel as though I’ve been living a lie for over 3.5years. I can’t believe he ever loved me or I don’t know if I could believe in love again. I mean if some who claimed they loved you could hurt you this bad then I don’t even want it again.

He no longer loves me or is no longer in love with me so I just have to get over it. As quickly as possible.

I’m supposed to be going to london tomorrow for a party but I’m not sure how I’m going to cope right now. I just can’t stop crying even though I know this is best. And loving someone who doesn’t love you is soul degrading it hurts like hell. I am adamant that I’ll get over it but right now I’m wishing I never ever met him none of it not even the good times was worth this.
I know he’ll never find someone who loves him more than I did but I also know now what love isn’t and hopefully I’ll spot a liar a mile off next time.

Well can’t say I wasn’t warned!

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 01/11/11- From Average to Awesome!

 

Now I’m not a bible basher, because well, bible bashers are annoying and because I’m a Christian by default. As in I was born to a Christian family but didn’t go that much as a child. My mum would always make us pray and I have always believed in God. But age 12ish my mum started insisting we go to church. Having not grown up in a church I always found it a bit awkward. I did find a church here in my university city during my second year and I love it. They aren’t rigid or flicking incense about, or fainting or asking for all your money (no offence it that’s your kinda thing), they are just all about scripture they take scripture and relate it to everyday life. Something the preacher said on Sunday was so relevant to my frustration with Dr Annoying that particular day (but in life in general). His sermon was about how to go from average to awesome. In short he said god uses the situations you go through to work on things you need to improve on in yourself so that you can be awesome!

It really struck a chord with my situation, yes it was annoying but it also showed me that I need to be more patient and less bloody reactive, reflect and think about the situation and how it can be resolved – not by a pissy email that’s for sure. Now this is a relatively small example, I looked back on all the things I’ve been through sometimes when I thought I’d not ever see the light at the end of the tunnel and now I’m in a much better place than where I was before that. I had a difficult relationship with my family but now on the other side we are closer than we was before. I was ill and hospitalised in 2008 at the time I was like why me? But after recovering I made a conscious effort to stay healthy eat right etc things I took for granted before. Even my recent situation with Mr. X as awful as it was I feel I’ve come so far from just three months ago and in a better frame of mind than before trouble started.

I may not be perfect or even awesome yet but I have not been through anything to date that has set me back. And although I’m just a Christian-in-training (though personally I think this could apply to anyone religious or not) I trust that God will always see me through any tough times and make me just that little bit more awesome when I come out at the other side.

Kisses

Dollm