Diary Entry#29/11/11-After the storm…Update on it all part 2

Hey

I haven’t blogged since the weekend because my head has been so crazy full and I thought that I’ve done enough ranting posts, full of typos (sorry) and I was getting tired of hearing myself go on about it. But a lot has happened since and I’ve had a ridiculous amount of work to do (downing coffee -which I don’t even like- at this very moment just to stay awake).

Anyway, I went to bed Saturday night still hurting from what Mr X had told me about seeing other people. Sunday morning my alarm on my phone shouted at me to get up. I was planning on leaving London early to head back home and get on with my work. As usual I grabbed it and hit the dismiss button in the name of leave me alone for just five more minutes. At that moment the thought ‘I wonder if he’s text me ran through my head’ but then I was like don’t be stupid he’s moved on you won’t hear from him again. 5mins later my phone was screaming again, as I had in fact pressed snooze instead of dismiss (my subconscious is sensible) on turning off my alarm and resigning to the fact I have to get out of bed I got a text from him saying that karma is quick for what he has done to me and that he’s been hurt and hospitalised.

I was in a state of shock; so many thoughts went through my head at once; is he ok? Why is he telling me? Where is he? Why didn’t text one of his interest? I need to see him…

I spoke to my mum and aunty; my aunty wasn’t quite so sympathetic but my mum said you need to find out what’s happened. So I phoned one of his family members, they told me what they knew and what hospital he was in. I said I would go on my way to the train station.

I then got a text from him to say thanks for being willing to come given everything but he didn’t want me to come. That hurt, I wasn’t going there to profess my love for him. I could have easily turned round and said good he deserved it (and there were a few on my side who felt that way) or just ignored his initial text. But I was genuinely concerned about his well being. I simply told him not to confuse my concern for anything else and that I would respect his wishes and would not be visiting I figured he had someone new there to support him anyway.

A couple of hours later as I was getting off the train he text me;
I just thought u should know that i didn’t ask u not to come because i have someone here to replace u. I don’t. It’s because i don’t deserve your care and attentiveness. You are such a kind and loving person and i am so thankful that you are willing. I’ll be going into surgery today and i will keep u informed if u like. I won’t stop u from coming here but i really don’t think it will benefit you. He followed with a text saying where the hospital was.

I replied: I’m sorry but I’ve already left London, getting on with my work. You don’t have to explain anything else to me that’s between you and ur conscience. I wasn’t going to come and see you to gain anything but I was just concerned about your well being despite everything. I hope your surgery goes well you can text me updates.

I was just a bit overwhelmed that day not to mention I hadn’t done much on an assignment that was due in the next day! I was up till 6 the next morning doing it so it kept my mind busy to say the least.

Right now I’m really confused. I’m obviously really worried about him physically and I’ve been getting updates from his sister. I’m still very much aware this hasn’t changed anything between me and him, he made it clear that he didn’t love me a just a few hours before the incident, and if it never happened we wouldn’t even be speaking he’d be doing his own thing with whomever and I’d be trying like hell to forget him and to move on. He was out having fun that night whilst I was in bed upset.

My friends are asking me why do I care, it’s not my concern anymore? Ignore him they say. Part of me is still very angry with him and doesn’t care. To be honest on Sunday I wasn’t that emotionally connected, I just wanted to make sure he was physically ok and safe. But it’s been harder everyday that goes by because I do still love him and I’d like to think that I’m not a complete heartless bitch.

My mum has been the only one who has his back lol. She wants to visit him, she says he’s still human and despite what’s happened I should still support him as a friend.

The thing is I’m not sure he wants me too. I’m not sure about anything. I am still trying to move on because he textes me updates now, but once he recovers he may well remember I’m not I’m not important and go ahead with his life.

We did speak this morning though, he seems ok in himself but its complex and quite bad so will be recovering for quite some time. Felt pretty sucky after speaking with him. I probably shouldn’t contact him again as I don’t know if he wants me too -he sounded happy enough, even had energy to crack jokes and tell me to get on with my work- but whether it is a good idea for me, I don’t know. Part of me feels guilty for being here and not there.
But my friend said, he’s injured but he’s not in a life threatening position. So don’t contact him anymore. You know he’s ok so there’s nothing else for you to find out let him be the one to contact you. I’m in touch with his family either way and I do wish him well.

It’s all a mess really… This was not supposed to be a vent post or an essay, but oh well. I have a few drafts I’ve been meaning to post but I’m going to do some Uni work 1st. Coffee is finished now so back to the library :-(.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 26/11/11 – He’s been seeing someone else.

I broke my promise, I contacted him. I asked him what has changed who/what made him fall out of love with me. Everyone told me not to contact him, “he’s not worth it” they said but I did.
Anyway he told me what I’ve known all along.

He said “I am interested in seeing somebody else and no i am not in love with them”

I said “Ok well it makes sense now you were not trying to be with me because you were trying to be with someone else. Whether you love them or not doesn’t make it any better. Because you stopped trying to make our relationship work because u want a new 1”

Only for him to respond
“Technically there’s a few people i’m interested in.”

He said he’s been “investing” in ‘female friends, colleagues gym members’ basically everyone but me. He later back-tracked and said I was being childish and ignorant, making stuff up. That’s he is only “interested” in seeing other people he hasn’t started seeing any one else. For him to already be “interested” or “invested” he must have been emotionally seeking out someone else, whilst I believed we were trying again. He said he didn’t mean to say (or perhaps accidentally reveal) “invested” he meant “interested”.

He can use all the word play he likes he had already checked out of our relationship and has moved onto someone else in my eyes he’s been unfaithful. I asked him if any of his new ”interests” knew about me and he couldn’t say yes.

Oh and apparently its none of my business, I’m being a silly, he’s tired of listening to me make stuff up about not being honest with me, I have too much time on my hands. Too much time on my hands? I’m struggling to cope with my workload as it is now I have to deal with his mess! I wanted to just spit in his face. How is it none of my business? He’s dumped me after 3.5years to be with someone else and its none of my business?

He’s such a coward he wouldn’t answer me when I asked if he’s been sleeping with others, so I called him and he won’t pick up my calls later he just text me ‘no’. But I can’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
All this was said via text as like I said he cowardly refuses to answer my calls.

Oh and not just content with stupidly texting him I stupidly told him about this blog yesterday. I really wish I didn’t but I just wanted him to know exactly how I feel. At first he just sent me an email saying “pretty talented… You should write a book” but today he said “I don’t appreciate my business being on the internet but I appreciate you not using my name” (wouldn’t want people knowing he’s such a dog would he).
I simply said “I don’t use either of our names/ mention your family, workplace or address. And nothing I say on here is untrue.”

Maybe he read more since that initial email yesterday. And doesn’t like the fact its plain to see he’s been a horrible person (apparently he has done nothing wrong). Anyway the point of this blog was for me to process and deal with my feelings after the 1st time he broke my heart. I do it because I can be completely honest with myself and I’m going to try and continue like that despite the fact he knows about it.
To be honest he’ll probably won’t read it anymore.

I still can’t believe I loved someone who could be so cruel. So callous and unfaithful. Who is so quick to move on. They day I don’t care will be a amazingly great day. But I can’t help hurt about the fact he’ll probably treat this new woman better than he did me, he’ll want to see her, he’ll miss her he’ll love her more than he loved me, she’ll take my place … What if I hear he’s married this time next year? (Something he said he wasn’t sure he believed in)

Oh and another regret was telling about that guy. I just wanted to hurt him. Now he tried to throw it back in my face when I challenged his unfaithfulness saying ”u were with someone shortly after we broke up”
But I never slept with the guy, we simply made out at party, we still talk but I made it clear I was back with my boyfriend. And that happened after Mr X told me he didn’t want to be with me (the first time). We weren’t together which is totally different from him pursuing other women when we were still together. He couldn’t see me, he couldn’t call me for a whole week but he had time to be ‘interested in someone else’

Ugh I’m sorry I’m ranting I’m just hurting like hell. I know a lot of u guys out there must feel the same as I got the most hits ever yesterday. I will try and collect my thoughts and do some more coherent post. In the mean time pray for me.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 26/11/11 – Update on it all

So I went to London, my mum asked if I was going to see Mr X and I just teared up and told her he dumped me again. She said oh well your young there’s plenty more fish in the sea. Sometimes its annoying how my mum isn’t a sensitive person. But I feel I need to take a leaf out her book. I mean a man (my bio-dad) left her alone with a child and she just got on with her life. So my situation of a meaningless 3yr relationship pales in comparison. Still it hurts like shit.

Anyway I came to London for my friends graduation party. I really wasn’t feeling up to it. But I decided to go and my bestfriend/neighbour came with me. It was a black and white colour scheme so I wore a black n white pencil skirt, a black bustier and some black heels. I looked good, pretty hot if I say so myself. I really had a good time I danced the night away despite my heavy heart. I got told I was beautiful a few times, although I’m nowhere near at the point of giving out my number it was nice to hear it.

I came home checked myself in the mirror and I still looked good. But I felt awful, I can’t help but not feel beautiful. In the back of my mind I’m like what if I looked different would he had loved me then? I know its stupid but he didn’t love ME. I wasn’t worthy of his love. It sucks.

Everyone says its his loss, move on find a new one and no one wants that more than me. But I can’t help but think about what my life is going to be like now. Like Christmas holidays without him, valentines, my birthday or just a lonely weekend; I’ll be alone with out the one I love.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 25/11/11- I wish I never met him

My life is such a mess right now, I couldn’t face going to my lecture but I went into uni to hand in some work and I’m now sitting on a train, and with all the stress I forgot my rail card so there’s a fat chance I’ll get a fine. My throat is killing from throwing up all night I’m desperately trying not to cry an look like a crazy person on this train.
Mr X just text me basically trying to kick me when I’m down

“Didn’t sleep well at all, can’t work and can’t concentrate. Trying not to creat down at work and to pretend that everything is ok. I’m feeling regret, sorrow, self pity and anger in waves much like the time before. But i will not confuse this with the type of love needed to make a relationship work. Not this time. I just thought u should know that i’m not ok even though i don’t won’t to be with u romantically i always cared about u. I won’t be contacting u again but if by any chance somewhere down the line u do need my help with anything u can always call on me. Sorry again, best wishes”

So he’s feeling sorry for himself like I give a fuck. I hope he’s miserable because its nothing compared to how I feel. I don’t know why he felt the need to tell me again he doesn’t love me he’s made that pretty clear. Ugh I can’t believe I wasted so much time on him! I’m hurting because I gave him my everything, my time, my love, my virginity, my hopes my dreams everything. I gave the relationship my best and now I’ve lost it all, he only gave me what he had to spare so its never going to hurt him as much. What I can take solace in is that he didn’t give his best, he didn’t love me so I can still get that one day, he had the best so in actual fact his loss is greater. I just so bad want to be over him already. I really regret staying in this joke of a relationship. Right now I just hate him.

I sent my aunty the text she text back.
“Right, so wots key to that txt is he’s not gettn da love he needs fr u. So he’s either gettn it elsewhere or jealous that yr not givn him enough attention, or yr demandin to much commitment. Whichevr it is, get closure, let him
go. Time will heal. U’l find s’one better, sometimes men can’t handle it when their partnr are doing well, he knows your goin to gradu8 and do well maybe he feels stuck, ddn’t you say he was unhappy in his job? x” (sorry about her text abbreviations you know aunties are always trying to be cool lol)

I don’t know about getting closure its pretty much signed sealed delivered. He doesn’t love me. Its not for me to speculate what his reasons are; he needs professional help with that perhaps. All I know is I gave him me and that wasn’t enough but someday it will be someone else’s everything.

He really needs to get over himself I don’t want his help now or ever.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 25/11/11- The morning after

So I’m pretty exhausted after getting next to no sleep last night. I’m sure he slept like a baby now that he’s free from the burden that was our relationship (if you could even call it that).

I was pretty much in tears half the night tried to get some sleep then started feeling dizzy so I was violently throwing up for the rest of the night :-(. I think I had a bout of food poisoning last week as I was sick twice, but I have felt nauseous ever since and the stress from yesterday must have set me off throwing up again.

I’m feeling pretty raw right now. But surprisingly calm it hurts like hell, but at least I know I haven’t just been crazy for feeling the way I did for the last six months, I was right he didn’t care about me all along. I’ve just got to get on with my life, now that I don’t have him to bring me down. I know I’m still young and have yet to get the great things that are coming my way. He on the other hand is an almost 30year old trying to be 18 and just let the best thing he’ll ever have go. Hey but such is life I pity him really.

Its going to be hard but I’ll get through it. But like I said in a previous post I haven’t been through anything that’s set me back no matter how hard its been. I’m praying so hard that I don’t spend another day in love with him and that I get over it as quickly as possible.

I’m not sure about going to London because I still feel pretty sick and I’m not sure if a 2hr train ride will help and also I think if anyone asks I burst right into tears and really don’t want to waste anymore on him.

Thanks to my lovely flat mate/ friend who stayed up with me all night whilst I was both crying and throwing up- now that’s a friend!

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 24/11/11-He broke up with me … again

Ok so you are getting this raw live and direct from my bed via my blackberry. Mr X broke up with me again. I finally phoned him since we haven’t spoken from when I got upset about him not coming to see me. I could tell straight away what was coming, I asked him why I haven’t heard from him in over a week and he said “I guess you just haven’t crossed my mind” (first blow). I asked him if he thought that was ok? And he said “that’s how it is” (2nd blow). I said I feel you are not interested in this relationship again.
He said “I’m not in love with you anymore” (stabbed in the heart)

Imagine if I hadn’t have phoned I’d still be wondering and he’d be moving on he’s such a coward arse pussy he saw me like 3weeks ago and was still in love when he was sleeping with me.

We went back n forth for a while I guess I was still trying to hold on for a little bit longer. He just wanted to rush off of the phone. Its not that I wanted to change his mind, I knew this time this was it. We would never speak again. I told him how I felt. He said I’m trying to be the victim I think he’s trying to convince himself that he hasn’t done me wrong.
I did break down though although I saw it coming more than the first time its still cut like a knife. It feels like a death. I broke down completely I mean its already been such an awful week and this was the icing on the cake.

I just wanted to hurt him make him feel even a little of what he has done to me. I’ve sent him 101 texts (won’t be sending anymore though) just spewing venom. I also told him about the guy I briefly hooked up with when we broke up the 1st time. That was stupid but to be honest I don’t think he’d even care. He’d never admit it but my intuition tells me there’s someone else, and that bitch is getting all the things he couldn’t give me.

This time though I don’t want him back I just don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to spend another day in love with him. I want to not care and not feel just like him. I feel as though I’ve been living a lie for over 3.5years. I can’t believe he ever loved me or I don’t know if I could believe in love again. I mean if some who claimed they loved you could hurt you this bad then I don’t even want it again.

He no longer loves me or is no longer in love with me so I just have to get over it. As quickly as possible.

I’m supposed to be going to london tomorrow for a party but I’m not sure how I’m going to cope right now. I just can’t stop crying even though I know this is best. And loving someone who doesn’t love you is soul degrading it hurts like hell. I am adamant that I’ll get over it but right now I’m wishing I never ever met him none of it not even the good times was worth this.
I know he’ll never find someone who loves him more than I did but I also know now what love isn’t and hopefully I’ll spot a liar a mile off next time.

Well can’t say I wasn’t warned!

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 23/11/11- Clarity defenseless in love

I’m thinking clearly, I’m thinking straight.
I get it, I understand it; I am fully aware that our relationship is on its last legs or just completely in shreds on the floor.

I know I’m not a horrible person and I know I’m not perfect either.
I know I have tried to so hard to make it work even when he stopped.
I know I’m never a priority                                                                                                                     I know I deserve better.
I know I’m not hideous, I know of a few guys who would happily take his role and do a better job at it                                                                                                                                             I know that after a little while when we separated I was ok.

I am much happier in myself
I am much more confident
I am much more independent
I am not falling apart, I’ve come so far since he first broke my heart.
I am completely aware that his actions speak much louder than his words and he has told me loud and clear that he doesn’t care.
I am so very tired of my situation.

I get it, I really do. I am not under any delusions,

But… I still love him.

I mean seriously ?

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 23/11/11- No longer a factor

Where 2 start? I guess from the beginning…
Mr X told me over a month ago (maybe 6 weeks ago now?) that he would come and see me and my new place on the 11th of November(actually marks 3.5years since we got together)
He didn’t make it; he rearranged for last weekend. And Mid-way through last week I asked if he was coming he said no because of money. Ok so I understand times are hard for everyone but:
1. If he had booked his ticket when he initially said he was coming it would have been cheaper than waiting to two days before
2. He’s not exactly poor
3. This is not the first, 2nd or even third time he has had some reason he can’t come and see me over the 4years of my degree.

I would have been much more understanding if he had actually looked for a ticket, and then decided it was too expensive. When asked him if he had even attempted to book a ticket since he initially said he was coming he said “no”. There have been times when I’ve wanted to go down but couldn’t because of the ticket price, but I at least made an attempt.

So it seems he had no intention of coming and was just chatting out of his arse to keep me quiet. I actually tried to avoid this by having the conversation with him about when/how many times he’d come up per semester before I started back; he suggested and we agreed that he’d visit twice a semester. Semester 1 is nearly done and he still ain’t reached here.

I explained to him that it is just not good enough, I’ve been back 10 weeks and he hasn’t been able to get his shit together and get here. We’ve only seen each other once in that time and that’s because I’ve been down. My bestfriends are students and aren’t working and they looked for deals and offers so that they could get here. They even took a 4hr slow train (it’s usually 2hrs) because it was cheaper. They made the effort. He apparently didn’t care for the fact I wasn’t happy and did not respond to my text and we haven’t spoken since (a week ago).

At this point I’m just so done with trying. I really thought things were changing. Every time I start to feel hopeful he lets me down. I haven’t contacted him because I just haven’t felt like it. And besides he has chosen not to respond to me. So I’ve just been getting on with the 1million and 1 things I have to do.

I do think it is ridiculous how he is behaving and I’m obviously not even a factor in his life at the moment. I have come to the point where I have gone from 3years of being happy in my relationship, generally feeling like I was lucky. But the last 6months of our relationship have been so awful; he has made me so unhappy. I know I’ve been holding on because I’ve been hoping things would change.

What’s actually quite strange is that I’ve been more happy in myself in the last six months than in the 1st 3years maybe it’s because I’ve not been able to rely on him to make me happy. I’ve had to do that for myself and I have!

I don’t know whether to contact him though. I mean I may have just let the whole thing go if he behaved differently but this whole ignoring me has just made it worst and obviously each day it continues the more upsetting it is. I don’t know *shrugs*

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 23/11/11- Life has me all tied up.

Hey dudes

I apologise for my lack of blogging (fail), life just been ridiculously crazy busy. I have so much work on at the moment, whilst trying to figure out what I want to do once I graduate and applying for jobs :-(. I’ve got deadlines coming out of my pores. Its been quite stressful to say the least. But I went out tonight for a friends birthday, and got some much needed down time. I’m off to London tomorrow for a networking event then back for lectures and lab work on Thursday then back to London again on Friday for a friends graduation party, not staying long as yep I have a deadline on on Monday :-|. I am so fricking tired. Sorry for the moan

 

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 12/11/11- The problem with Kim Kardashian, Little girls and Walt Disney

So whether you care for her or not you probably heard that Kim Kardashian after a lavish wedding (that reportedly made her $18mill) is getting a divorce after 72 days of marriage. I do think she is famous for no reason (or for her sextape) but I have watched he reality show (guilty pleasures). It was always so painfully obvious that this chic just so desperately wanted to get married; Looong before her now estranged husband was on her radar, she was talking about her ideal wedding.

The thing is she just wanted the wedding, the glitz and the glam (and the money/publicity). I’m not sure she really considered the marriage or whether she really loved that guy.

Many little girls grow up imagining their wedding day, well before they even know what love is. Over the years the groom is interchangeable, could be a favourite pop star to begin with (mine was lil bow wow my lol cringe- most likely to be Justin Beiber for today’s youngins), first crush at school, first guy you fall in love with. Even with females who are grown, single and not at all ready for marriage, many of them still will know exactly what their wedding dress would look like the type of venue they would like, bridesmaids etc the groom is just some hot dude in a suit of our colour scheme choice which we also already know. Yes I know what my ideal gown would look like – guilty!

You know who I blame? The likes of Disney and Miss Cinderella that’s who. Growing up like many little girls my age, Cinderella (after The Lion King) was my favourite Disney fairytale. She had the perfect wedding, the perfect dress (ish), the perfect groom. But that was it happily ever after! Where’s the rest? Where’s the getting your 1st mortgage? Where’s the cleaning up after his/her mess? Where’s the 7year/72 day ich? Where’s the raising kids? Where’s the family photos? Arguments bickering, hard times? Good times? Joy? Laughter and love after 30-40 years?

No one tells little girls how the story continues after all the confetti has been blown away. As much as I one day would like the perfect wedding, I more than anything want the perfect marriage, the one not without challenges but with the most intense undying love.

Kisses

Dollm

Groom? wheres the groom? which groom?

Oh him...

Cindy is already looking a little worried if you ask me