Diary Entry# 24/09/13- The Artificial Alpha Male

So many men walk around yelling alpha, protien shakes and gladiator shit. But how come so many are actually quite frightened of a good woman? Because they are what you call artificial or actor alpha males.

They’re puesdo Alphas around testostrone only. They are comfortable around their boys while conversely, are reduced to a school boy demenor around a woman who has got it together.

A real woman’s love is a actor alpha’s kryptonite. Weakend by a kind spirit, intimidated by wise words, and sent astray by her commitment. He looses all ability to communicate so introduces her voicemail, guards go up and games are played to keep her at bay.

Even though these men call bitches – bitches, golddiggers and hoes. They will lay with many because those are the women who will be a front row audience to a make-believe- alpha show. They will be the ones who will stroke , their fraudulent alpha ego.

Unfortunately some artificial alphas have become so ingratiated into their act, they are forgetting that they are just the placebo. They try to fool everyone including a real woman, that they are real man who can deal with reality. For them a real woman is a guilty pleasure; like chocolate cake to a fat kid who is lactose intolerant- just because they can’t handle one doe not mean they won’t be captivated by one. They will just take the hit and deal with the sides effects later e.g. “I know I acted out the part of a good man and now you like me? Babe I didn’t mean it”

Understandably, after a while putting on a new show all the time gets tiring and playing chicken in a real relastionship does too. What actor alpha is really looking for; is some mid-point medium between something real, consistent and unbound non-committment. They need to find a Stable hold-him-down-hoe! Someone to keep it exclusive to him (or at least appear to), but won’t mind if he gives it out like free school meals. He don’ t have to take her anywhere but she can always accommodate him- no questions asked, he doesn’t have to deal with emotions but she can’t elevate him either. Artificial alpha and stable hoe sound like a perfect match to me.

So lets see; Are you/ is your man an artificial alpha?

-Are you/is he able to perfectly articulate your opinion of the lastest video game, lifting proceedures and football game. But unable to approach a female respectfully?

-Does replying to your significant others/interests messages require a minimum of a three hour lag time?

-When you identify a woman you understand to be a good person and good for you, is her her genuine love, care and affection a bit ‘too much’?

-Even though a genuine Alpha protects, respects and cares for his woman do you believe having a committed lady at home mean that you have free reign to cheat with anything that has a pulse?

-Does he / do you speak fluent bullsit? conversational level lies?

-Are you/is he too cool for dating, public displays of affection and eye contact?

-Does the word relationship give you a rash?

-Are you itching because you read the word relationship?

If you answered yes to more than three any of the above then you’re / he is an artificial alpha!

Not sure why you’re are so frightened but I just can’t help you! Please find you a stable hoe or stay alone. Lool

Real men only!

Haha just a bit of banter

Kisses

Dollm

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Diary Entry# 23/09/13 – Airmiles

Hellooooo

I know I know if I posted more often I wouldn’t have to always update so much!
I have just come back from America with work so you have to forgive me.

I love to travel and I am so lucky that with this job I get to do just that. And also I am paid well enough to travel for fun too. This year I made a goal to be out of the country once  every two months. I thina both business and pleasure I have exceeded that. In March I went to Jamaica for two weeks.

Amazing amazing amazing! Jamaica is one of the most beautiful countries I have ever been too. Its the landscape, the culture , the beaches, the food, the sea but mist of all the people. Jamaicans are the most vivacious, hilarious and loving people you could meet -I had a blast. I went with my cousins and friends. My Grandmother has recently returned to Jamaica to retire and built an incedibly grandiose house. I split my time between there, one of those big all inclusive hotels in Ochi and in a small beach house in Negril. Bliss. I also climbed dunns river falls which I chickened out of doing when I was 15 on my last trip. I will not be leaving it so long again I hope to return next year. I was sooo depressed coming back home. If you want an amazing holiday go to Jamaica mi seh!

7mile beach, Negril.  Jamaica

7mile beach, Negril. Jamaica

Two months later in May I was in Lyon south of France for work. To be honest didn’t get to do much because the weather was awful. It was the worst spring they had for 25 years usually everyone is soaking up the sun but it poured the whole time I was there!

 Lyon, France

Lyon, France

End of July/Aug I went to Paris with one of my best friends it was a last minute thing as I originally was supposed to have a week off work but have recently been promoted( yay got me!) so I only ended up have 3days off so we hopped on the Eurostar train and off we were dans Paris! Paris is my favorite city in the world. We pranced along Champs Elysee view the Eiffel tower and got up to lots of mischief late night in Paris.

Champs Elysee, Paris. France

Champs Elysee, Paris. France

Paris,  France

Paris, France

Had a quick whistle stop trip to Italy the other week on business but business happened to over look a gorgeous beach. Makes meetings a lot more inspiring 🙂

Casal, Italy

Casal, Italy

I missed out on a trip to Brazil week before last, with my new boss as I had prior comittments and meetings with my old role during the transition period. Gutted but I joined him this last week in America.

Firstly I had a weekend of fun in New York. One of my best girls is living out there doing a year long internship. You could say she was some what homesick and asked me to bring the whole of England with me lol!

We shopped till we drop in Manhattan then we met up with our boos. Yes Mr Big was in New York too :-). The two men however decided to take us on a mission hunt for soewhere to watch the Mayweather fight :-|. When that was finally done we hit the clubs before I nearly died of tiredness – I had been going for 24hrs straight no sleep! Me and Mr Big love New York! It was so amazing being there together. ♥

Rocafella, NYC

Rocafella, NYC

Sunday afternoon I hopped on a plane for a week of work to South Carolina. The plane journey was like 2hours from New York but freezing so low a d behold, I caught a cold and was sick all week :-(. The hotel air con did not help- you Americans are too extreme with the aircon! Anyway I love the south. Its so pretty and the Southern hospitality is wonderful. Unfortunately you don’t get to see much when you travel for business we were in a hotel comference room all day all week. I did drag my boss to the mall one lunch time lol and I had some of the best dinners in the most amazing restaurants. I was on a very executive trip. I can’t believe the opportunities I have been given with this job. I am so grateful. I also spent a couple hours in Atlanta as thats where I flew out from

Siuth Carolina

South Carolina

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I’ll be in Boston on business in October and I’m going to head to New york after again for a short vacation – thhs was planned before I this last trip, but I don’t mind seeing NYC again ♡

For the rest of 2013 I have plans to visit my close friend and old flatmate in Germany where she now lives.
Thinking about Barcelona with Mr Big. Does anyone know if it will still be warm November times??? I won’t have time to go before then. If not we’re thinking Amsterdam

I will probably be sent to Asia for work as well around 2013/14

I also on a weekly basis travel all round the UK next week I will be working in London, Birmingham and Liverpool this suitcase and hotel life isnt always so glamorous and very tiring but hey I’m young the time to do it is now.

So yh sometimes I’m busy

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 3/08/2013- Peace of Mind

I will give you a piece of my mind
But please be mindful,
And mind my peace

You see my mind maps space, time and generations
It was conceived from a greater thought precedent
To my existence. So he still remembers me.

Mind independent of the brain; dualism philosophers say
And I’m thinking I agree. It can’t be all in my head
Sometimes my heart, brain and erogenous zones neurologically act for me.

That must explain some mistakes I’ve made
You know my mind never used to like me?
Not good enough it said, not affable my mind was my biggest enemy.

My mind was as unkempt as an adolescents room.
A mess. But my past,
Neatly folded in the back, in closets like a person with OCD.

Lucid when lost however,
Complexed, my mind has never failed
It creates, calculates, recollects, imagines and manifest

At last myself and mind are concurrent
The peace I was searching for;
I found within me

With a mind full of peace. I am mindful
Of what I let enter. So please mind your step
And anywhere I don’t open, is probably not your business to mind.

Mind over matter
But here’s what matters to me most
My peace of mind.

And this is a small piece of my mind

Kisses

Dollm

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Diary Entry# 20/07/13 – Me and Mr Big

Hey hey

I guess I owe you an update right? Mr Big and I are still going good. I am a very happy lady and he is an important part of my life. We were talking whilst at dinner this week saying because of our history /journey to our connection that on paper it sounds so wrong. Wait did I even tell you guys about it?? *Scrolls back through posts…*well it’s a long story something close to the plot a crazy RomCom but we been knowing of each other for about 5 years. His friends have tried it with me and he and his friends have tried it with my friends.  Put it this way it was a little messy to begin with but we got passed that he won me over and he is not the person I thought him to be at all.

As a person and friend first he is someone with so much potential and an amazing mind. He inspires me and we encourage each other. Romantically he is definitely different than I expected, and although he has lived the wild single life for so long. He actually treats me the way I expect to be treated- correctly.  I have the up-most respect for a man who treats you the same in when we are round his boys as when it’s just me and him.We have a lot of fun and again that’s whether it’s just me and him or me, him, my friends and his friends. We’ll all go out together and have a blast which is exactly what I want I am young and need fun! Ain’t nobody got time for stress!

We did go through a brief patch where I thought that it wasn’t going to work. Basically he began to push me away as he was going through somethings and felt I was getting too close. I know it wasn’t anything to do with me but unfortunately for him due to previous experiences I have an extremely low threshold for being messed about.  I was so ready to be done with it all before I could get burnt.  Basically he gave me a little push which to his disbelief kick started me to run the hell away.  I think we both got nervous about things in our own way we didn’t realise how much we would care for each other. As much as yes I want to do things differently this time and not stay in a situation that is unhappy un-healthy or where I am not wanted – another part of my learning here was to be patient and not run and dump at the first sign of a breeze.
There’s a fine balance between the two. I think he now knows if he is prepared to eff up he  should prepare his goodbye too.

Evidently it wasn’t actually what either of us wanted and so we are still here and actually it’s better than ever.I have realised that at this time in my life I can’t be that dedicated wifey who is down for her man only. No. Don’t get me wrong if you’re in my life I will be there for you and do all I can. But right now there’s a lot that I am doing for me.  My career is my biggest focus and building success that lasts – I have a lot opportunities n my lap at the moment that I am grasping with all ten fingers, arms and handbag ! So in that respect I do have to be more selfish self-concerned because I just know that I am about to blast off. What is great though is that he is in exactly the same place Mr Big is about to do it Big! I don’t have much faith or belief in many others success as I do in his. So we are supporting each other’s endeavours together. We both have an exciting present and amazing future -watch out for this power couple!

We have also connected on a much deeper level – spiritually. I won’t go into it here and now  but we are on the same page and frequency. Having someone you can pray meditate with, talk business with, have a night in and cuddle with, then party and get freaky with (don’t u dare judge me lol) – well what more could a girl ask for?That connection we have is very special and I don’t have that or have ever had it with anyone else in my life. I care about him a lot but for a while I did not want to get my feelings too caught up. Worst still when we had that patch – fort lock and gates went up lol. I know I am harder these days but at the same time I wouldn’t say I am holding back because that means I expect things to go wrong. You get what you expect at the end of the day. So I don’t live with worries I just go with the flow; I am happy and enjoying him so that’s all that matters.

Extra gossip for you nosey ones: he turns me into a saucy mama. Poor thing I always jump on him but I am sure he doesn’t mind. 😉

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry #29/07/13 – I did not want to write

Helloo

I have been gone for a minute huh?
My life has been crazy. Crazy good but crazy busy. I travel, work, live in hotels and party. Thats my life right now and I tell you what, I love it. Just means I have little down time and when I do I spend it with loved ones or sleeping lol.

You know I have been meaning to get on here and say I am back and I am going to start posting more. But  I didn’t want to lie. The truth is up until now I haven’t felt like writting. Now I love writting but maybe there was a small part of me that associated blogging with sadder times. It was my therapy through everything and now I am happier than I have ever been and I can’t seem to want to write. I considered even closing the blog down but I connected with so many great people I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was actually my boo that said I should start writting again. But I had to wait till I was ready. I looked through my blog I can see how far I have come and I did not always write tales of woe; so I am here! I am back. I don’t know the future direction of this blog but I been itching to write. So write I will. I may be fiction, my life’s truths or poetry – its going to be me!

Thanks for sticking with me …

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry#12/03/13 – So there’s this guy…

Hey

I know I disappeared again. Forgive me. It’s been crazy couple of months at work travelling here and there but been good all the same. Things are going so great for my career at the moment, so as tired as I am I can’t complain. Life in general is really busy but really good actually, for both work and social life.  A significant amount of my free time has become me and Mr time.

So yes there is a new man in my life. Was thinking of what I shall call him on here… Mr Big (how very Carrie Bradshaw of me lol he’s not like that Mr Big but the name is apt )
To be honest it’s all happened fast and come as a surprise to me but we have quickly become more serious fixtures in each other’s lives. I’ve met his parents andthen he met my whooole family – Mum, Dad, brother, Auntys, Uncles, Grandma the whole shabang lol at a family party. He loved them!

But to backtrack a bit; I’ve actually known Mr Big for a few years as we went to the same University and know a lot of the same people, him being a few years senior. To be honest I thought he was good looking but I found him and his friends really really annoying. I very much limited any interaction with eye rolling. Almost a year ago we crossed paths again at my house party but it was his friend who was on my case. However his friend had a girlfriend and thought I would not find out! Yh, that was quite funny when I asked if she would join us for our first date … lol anyway to add another complexity he had a drunken make out session with one of my friends during uni days. So when he stepped to me around the end of last year I was like this is one messy situation I’d rather not be part of. He really wanted me to get to know him, find out who he really is and that he was not like his friend, give him a chance.

I had no intention of taking him seriously I found it all very amusing. But I have been pleasantly surprised he is just not who I had previously judged him to be. After giving him such a hard time; He has shown me he is not who I thought he was but in an ironic twist of fate that he’s exactly what I said I want. Crazy huh? I mean sometimes I can see he is making a point to show me that I should take him seriously but most of the time it’s when he’s just being him and I get to know him more that I’m just blown away. Like if someone told me a few years ago that we’d be here I would not have believed them at all. And he probably wouldn’t have either as he says, back in the day I was always ‘extremely uninterested’ and never single lol, and he was young living the studentlife! The whole thing has just snuck up and surprised us both lol. We have also very much surprised our mutual friends but they are all really happy for us.

He makes me laugh all the time. He’s not threatened by my achievements or career he always wants to know more. He encourages and inspires me too, in the way he handles his business and career, he wants to learn French something I have been doing on and off for years – he is like well baby, we are going to do it together! We are both in similar places with our career. He’s book smart and street smart so we read the same things and we have crazy fun together too. He talks about future us and settling down. We have amazing chemistry, everything is so so so very hawt *fans self* He is definitely my type in looks! I really like him.

I guess you could say things have moved quickly between us, even so I am very much living in the moment and enjoying seeing how things go. He’s definitely been more expressive than I was. I suppose  I’ve been somewhat guarded, I wasn’t really nervous about him though. Nope I was actually nervous about me, about getting too caught up again, become dependent on anyone, opening myself up. But I decided eff it! live fearlessly! (post to follow).

We both have a giggle about how life is funny and the interesting path we have taken to get to the point we are at now. Who would have guessed it ? But yeah basically to update you guys that’s my baby 🙂

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Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry #21/01/13 – A cold hearted ex chick (zero feelings)

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Was reading one of my fave bloggers where a reminder of her ex husband reignited some emotions. Serenityluv was married for 17 years and had children with her ex so is understandable that there will always be a tie and connection.  Although my situation was completely different, and no comparison really it got me thinking – for my ex I don’t feel a damn thing!

I don’t feel anything. No hate, no love just indifference. People say once you love someone especially your first love you will love them forever. I had fully accepted that would be the case. But I just don’t feel anything. I don’t think of him from one day to the next. And I have absolutely no negative feelings towards him. The fact is that it’s been wonderful not to. Not to have him on my mind wondering what he’s doing, why he didn’t care about me blah blah blah.  He no longer lives rent free in my brain and it feels fantastic – actually it just feels normal. I am at peace with it all and have moved on. But I am wondering should I feel something? Is it bad that I don’t? Ok so we don’t share any mutual friends, kids or financial ties. But it was four years of my life. He was my 1st everything and now I just feel nothing? Is that really normal?

Family and friends still make jokes/comments about him/us and it just washes over me or I laugh. Like when I was moving out into my own flat my mum gave me the bear he gave me (which she had been keeping in her room???) and my girl was like we should burn it and my mum was like nooo keep it – the two of them had me in stitches. In the end I took it as it’s a cute bear and I don’t have any emotions associated with it.

Up untill recently I still used to refer to him when we have relationship/sex gossips with the girls as he is my last point of reference … But now the ‘new new’ name is always in my mouth lol.

Yh I don’t  miss him but to be fair things weren’t good between us for soo long that there isn’t much to miss. Like say we were blissfully happy then boom it ended I would probably miss it but for us it was 2.5-3years that were really good and then a subsequent 18months of mostly misery. So my lasting recollection of it all isn’t necessarily something I would miss right? Was talking to my guy friend about this earlier who said maybe if he hadn’t been such a dick to you. You would have missed him lol.

I am actually appreciative of it all now the good and the bad times; I am appreciative because it taught me so much about myself. I’ve grown so much since then end and now know exactly what I want and what I don’t and what I will not accept. I actually messaged him on new year’s day. Wished him a happy new years and birthday. I wasn’t going to but I bumped into his friend and said I would- because the last time I spoke to him I wasn’t the kindest…I just wanted him to know there’s no hard feelings. I had to put his number back in my phone and messaged him. He messaged me back and that was that after which I deleted the number again because I don’t really need it. From the messaging app I could see a pic of him though, and although I could say he looked good, I was not attracted to him at all! I no longer find him attractive. That was really weird like he used to be the most attractive and sexiest person in the world to me and now I don’t find him attractive. Maybe it’s because I’ve since dated guys who look very different to him and liked them (though the guy I am seeing now apparently looks like Mr X according to some) or maybe because to me attraction is not just about looks, but it’s equally about the person. I already told you all I am a personality fiend. I don’t know really… but that was weird and it was when I first realised that I had in fact got over him.

I am just really happy I have moved on. It was something I didn’t think would be possible I thought I’d be hopelessly in love and heartbroken forever. I couldn’t even see myself happy alone; let alone with anyone else.  Yes he hurt me but I don’t hate him, I don’t blame him either.  Like if I saw him tomorrow I’d say hi have a quick chat and get on with my day. Before I was dreading ever bumping into him, I never wanted to see him again.

As happy as me having moved on makes me; in a paradox it makes me feel bad that I don’t really feel anything for someone who once was so important to me that I wanted to spend my life with. It worries me that the whole ordeal has made me cold that I won’t be able to feel deeply for anyone now. I don’t think that I am cynical and I am open to love again and I am very much enjoying my new guy.  Its as if my heart was never broken and I was never in love before, everything is brand new

It’s not that I don’t care, not saying that at all. I would like to think that if god forbid anything happened to Mr X I would care. Like I said  I could see him and just say hi and bye but I actually think I’d be cool with us being friends, not best buddies but if we spoke and just catch up and see how each other is doing I wouldn’t mind. It’s not something I need, so wouldn’t necessarily instigate it but I wouldn’t have a problem with it either. But at the end of the day as long as I’m all good and he’s all good – we aight lol.

You know who I do miss sometimes? His family like I really do miss them lol way more than him. I sent them xmas card and texted his sis a bit. They are a wonderful family and part of the reason I fell for him. weird huh?

What do you guys think? That I’m a cold hearted chick?

Kisses

Dollm

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was going to finish on a deep note but this cracked me up