Diary Entry# 14/06/12- Who are you really mad at?

When I’m busy I’m not really thinking of Mr X but sometimes when I stop I just see his stupid face…At first it was a constant replay of our last conversation and me thinking about what he’s doing with his new girl. But now I’m over being sad now I’m mad as hell. The only word that keeps coming to my mind is ARSEHOLE. Because he was so full of shit, so insincere and such a coward.

Now , I’m constantly cursing arsehole in my head. He was an arsehole who  took the piss and didn’t respect, value me constantly. Not because I did him anything but because he knew exactly how much I loved him. I mean who does that? it was as if I loved him too much… I tell you what he wasn’t wrong there I did.

And it pisses me off. I’m soooo f*cking pissed. But you know who I’m really pissed at ? ME. Like why the hell did I give a complete arsehole 4years of my life? I’m pissed that I had him sitting up here with me and my family just 2months ago. I’m pissed that I didn’t just walk away like this time last year. I’m pissed that I let him stay up in my place and get what he wanted. I’m pissed that I gave a shit when he was hospitalized. I’m pissed because I knew better and allowed this shit. Yes I’m pissed at my dam self!

lol today I started using a new purse(wallet) and threw my old one with his pic in it in bin! Came across a pic which I was actually gonna send back co it had one of his family members in it. But in a rage I ripped it up and in it also joined the dumpster. All other photos and keepsafes never really made it back out from after the first time he ended it to be honest so they can stay in whatever box their in for now.

I guess the upside is for the first time I don’t want him back, I wanna punch his self-righteous face in lol In all seriousness don’t want him. I so so so badly just wanna forget and be happy.

Just my pissed off thoughts tonight. I’ll be kool

The funnies: “Whatever u give a woman she will multiply, if u give her sperm she’ll make a baby. Give her a house she’ll make a home. So if u give her crap she’ll give u a ton of shit”

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 09/04/12-What love has done to me

Has my past relationship effed me up? hell  yeah

I just don’t care … you see I loved hard, I loved completely and unconditionally. I put my all into my relationship would have fought for it through whatever but I did it all for someone who did none of this in return then threw my love back in my face. So am I interested in loving like that again? NO. Was it worth it? NO. Perhaps the question I should really ask is was he worth it? NO (even though I thought so for nearly 4 years). and now really is anyone worth it????

So now I don’t care. Theres a guy who calls me just to see if I’m ok, sweet guy very attractive guy but when he calls sometimes I don’t answer not because of him beacause I just don’t care whether I speak to him or not- yet he still phones.

Today I blew off a date with another guy who I had fun with just last night (not that kind of fun we was out with a group of friends u naughty readers) but today I was tired and couldn’t be bothered because I just didn’t care– even though he’s rearranged for another day.

Although I still love him, I have no desire to love Mr X the way I used to because I felt so unappreciated- I still fucking care!! For a while actually I don’t think I did. I woke up in his arms last week and didn’t feel that love I described above I didn’t feel at all to be honest, this wall I’ve built around me has stopped me feeling anything I just didn’t care. But fast forward a week and feel like I’m being disguarded again and all of a sudden I’m caring; caring about who he’s with, why he’s not afraid to loose me and why he still doesn’t love me.

lol I’m here caring while turning down dates from someone who’s I know actually wants to spend time with me. But you know what who cares if I care? Not me! I still won’t let Mr X, these other two dudes or anyone  fuck me over again forget a wall I’m about to build a fort – I just don’t care for love and caring its over-rated

Haha Don’t mind me just shit on my mind tonight … need to get back to my dissertation

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 30/01/12- My heart is finally listening to my head

Well we have been talking and the fact remains I love that man. I do and I want him back I’m not even gonna apologise for it.

But sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes love comes with pain and heartbreak.

I need to take a step back to clear my mind. I couldn’t continue pretending everything was all good when it wasn’t. I skyped him and after showing him my new freakum dress and almost chickening out again when seeing his face, I finally brought up the elephant . I told him I felt he took advantage of how much I loved him. How he used that I wore my heart on my sleeve against me. He gave me some bs about it being my 1st heartbreak so its gonna be hard. Which didn’t really have anything to do with what I was on about…

Anyway the fact remains he hasn’t apologised or shown any regret so I can only assume he stands by what he said when we broke up and he doesn’t love me. By talking we both could hang on to each other but what were we really doing? And he like my friend said is comfortable he can have me but not really have to have me. We were talking about sex and flirting all while I was still hurting. I also kept thinking well what happens if we stay on this “friend” tip and one day I call him and he’s found a new chick? I just couldn’t handle that. How can you really move on hoping that he’ll love you back right?

I told him that it was awkward talking to him because on one hand I was fine with it and on the other I would be thinking this is the guy who didn’t want you. He said it wasn’t awkward for him because I’m a big part of his life; that he still and always will care about me no matter who I date. How I can always count on him if I need anything.

I had to decide whether us talking was good for me. It was hard as hell but I told him I can’t continue to talk to him and be in this grey area.
He said he understood and that he will miss me. We did talk about the possibility of one day starting over and he said that door is open on his side.

I told him its complicated because I’m not ready to be his girlfriend again but I also never wanted to be just his friend.

So there you go I broke away. I just need some time to figure sh*t out. I’m not even sure about it to be honest but although my heart might not be happy its finally listening to my head.

Kisses

Dollm

Side note: I sent him an email telling him how much I did appreciate all his support during exam period and thanks for being understanding about me needing to space.

Whilst writing this post he replied: I appreciate you too. I’m sorry it’s come to this and I’m sorry for all the hurt I caused you.
I wish you all the best xxx

Gosh I so badly wanna msg back telling how much I love him and don’t want to loose him. But I’ve made my decision so I won’t!

Diary Entry# 4/12/11- The thin line between love and hate.

I think I’ve been back n forth across this line so many times this week.

I am still very much in love with him. So I hate that he doesn’t love me.
I get so sad that I’m going to be without the one I love. Then I hate him for leaving me.
I cook a meal and remember that it’s his favourite dish. Then remember he couldn’t be bothered to come and see me and if he did I could have made it for us.
I think about how we were so in love. Then I remember that he now wants someone else.
He used to make me so happy. And now I can’t stop crying.                                                       I want to make sure he’s OK. Then I remember he doesn’t want me too.                          Everyday I just want to call him. Then I see that he hasn’t once called my phone.

I remember how he used to make feel, like a princess. I was his ‘babygirl’. Then I remember how he later took me for granted and now I’m just another ex.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 01/11/11-When your mood reflects his…

Why is it that because he is having a bad day you’re now upset and can’t function?
I used to be guilty of this for the first couple of years that Mr X and I were together. I would be absolutely fine, call him up and get either cold monosyllabic responses before he says “I’m busy call you later” or just get snapped at for asking too many questions; as in “how are you?” “How was work?” And that would be it, my whole mood/day ruined. I’d then be pissed off for the whole day snapping at people like my poor baby brother (don’t aww too much he’s 12 and can be cheeky at times) because Mr X had done pissed me off. Then we eventually speak later when he’s ok again and is feeling all better; so is able to be a nice person again. Or Mr X used to try and manipulate me when I was going out (even though he doesn’t mind/care if I go out…) he would purposely upset me before I leave the house – I have actually ended up in tears on the way to a club before because of one argument. Sometimes he would end the conversation by saying fine I’m going out too and drop the phone. He would do it so I’d think of him the whole time I was out. Only to speak to him in the morning and find out he never went anywhere!
The trouble is I would feel great again when he’s in a good mood or relieved to know he didn’t go out. He had total control over how I felt.
Most some a lot of the majority Men aren’t great communicators if they are having a bad day they don’t phone their friends and whine about every detail like women I do, you ask them how their day was and you get it was crap. And asking for further details just pisses them off more. Often they take it out on the one person who is willing to listen. Other times they just want to manipulate you rather than saying they have an issue with something.

I cottoned on to all this a while ago and now I don’t take things to heart so much, especially when it actually has nothing to do with me. You are having a bad day at work fine, I don’t need to have one too I’ve got things to do. When you are ready to tell me about it without an attitude call me back dude!

I have been talking to my friend about this for a while as it was something we both have had to deal with. Maybe her to a greater degree as her boyfriend can be very disrespectful. I mean Mr X is faaaar from perfect but never before has he called me a bitch and definitely not called me a bitch because ‘work was stressing him out’. There have been times when her boyfriend has been in one of his moods and I have had to go round to her house and get her out of her bed. And as soon as he is happy or feeling guilty he’ll call her his ‘future wife’ or send her a gift and she looks like this 🙂 again. I’ve told her that its soo dangerous to let him make her feel this way and control your emotions on such a regular basis.
It helps if you have your own identity or feel your life does not evolve around him ( and that you never let him get away with calling you a bitch)

I feel that this is soo important for me too especially since the break-up but for anyone really, no matter how subtle or extreme don’t let anyone bring you down. If your having a crappy day I will try everything to make you smile but I’m not about to have one too.

Kisses

Dollm