Diary Entry# 3/08/2013- Peace of Mind

I will give you a piece of my mind
But please be mindful,
And mind my peace

You see my mind maps space, time and generations
It was conceived from a greater thought precedent
To my existence. So he still remembers me.

Mind independent of the brain; dualism philosophers say
And I’m thinking I agree. It can’t be all in my head
Sometimes my heart, brain and erogenous zones neurologically act for me.

That must explain some mistakes I’ve made
You know my mind never used to like me?
Not good enough it said, not affable my mind was my biggest enemy.

My mind was as unkempt as an adolescents room.
A mess. But my past,
Neatly folded in the back, in closets like a person with OCD.

Lucid when lost however,
Complexed, my mind has never failed
It creates, calculates, recollects, imagines and manifest

At last myself and mind are concurrent
The peace I was searching for;
I found within me

With a mind full of peace. I am mindful
Of what I let enter. So please mind your step
And anywhere I don’t open, is probably not your business to mind.

Mind over matter
But here’s what matters to me most
My peace of mind.

And this is a small piece of my mind

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 31/08/12 -Falling for this Frenchman

Bonjour … Errr hello that is what he said
A beautifully crafted man I laid eyes on when I turned my head.
He leaned in close “I’m from Paris so my English is not so good”
But I’m standing there like I don’t even care, you had me at Bonjour
We spoke, him in and out of French with the English he knew
And me practising my rusty Français beaming like a damn fool.
Big arms wrapped around me hands on my hips, thighs and waist.
Forgetting where I was of my neck he got a taste.
Falling in love in the club with this Frenchmen
As he danced into my ears with that hypnotic accent
He told me he was from the Caribbean and a soldier the next day.
Well I don’t think I caught much else, picturing him in uniform had my mind running away.
Did I mention he’s beautiful? I’d do some bad things to him.                                                               When he said I was beautiful and sexy I think my knees gave in.

Not ever before has a guy had me lifted so quick
Accepting invitations to Paris to get some more of his … French kiss

But wait oh shit I’m supposed to be seeing Mr..errm..yh him
But I I just can’t help it, because its smiles all round when I’m with that French gentlemen.
In French or English he has me laughing and giddy
I can’t get enough of his smile his eyes his kindness and oh baby! The way he kisses me.

Tombé en amour dans le club avec un homme Français

Loool What can I say I am a sucker for a hot French dude!

Diary Entry# 29/08/2012 -Why I am scared of my own poetry

I’ve been trying to get back into wordpress/blogging. It’s been my therapy through all that I’ve been through this past year. And I love to write, seriously I can write for days. Some of you may have noticed in my comments lol I always scroll back up after I comment and be like *sigh* ‘why mine got to be the longest?’ Hell my dissertation was 24,000 words.
So yeah I enjoy writing; I’m thinking about actually writing what I want to write now I no longer have assignments to submit.

I have always particularly enjoyed poetry. Whether studying it at college, listening to live poets or writing my own poems. However I these days I tend to run away from my own poetry. I mean on here I’ve probably published less than a handful. The thing is when I write poetry things come out from somewhere deep below the surface of my psyche.

I often surprise myself revealing emotions, thoughts or memories I either didn’t know I had or buried so deeply I had forgotten. An example of that would be the poem misconceived that was about my experience of a miscarriage. I didn’t think I really felt anything about it, it wasn’t something I thought about day-to-day but one day that poem came forth. There are several poems I’ve written (not on here) that I can’t even read back because they just go too deep. I’ve heard someone say that you can’t plan a poem. This is so true as anytime I’ve sat down to consciously write about one topic; I end up writing something way different. So that’s why my poetry scares me. It reveals me to me.

But maybe I’ll man up to this, so watch this space …

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 09/04/12- Games of the Heart

Games are made to be played.
Two players are more fun than one.
But the game where the two are unspoken opponents
Can become less about pleasure and more about pain
So you keep playing them games
…Keep playing all by yourself
I’ve already reached the finish and I’m not starting again.

Diary Entry# 4/12/11- The thin line between love and hate.

I think I’ve been back n forth across this line so many times this week.

I am still very much in love with him. So I hate that he doesn’t love me.
I get so sad that I’m going to be without the one I love. Then I hate him for leaving me.
I cook a meal and remember that it’s his favourite dish. Then remember he couldn’t be bothered to come and see me and if he did I could have made it for us.
I think about how we were so in love. Then I remember that he now wants someone else.
He used to make me so happy. And now I can’t stop crying.                                                       I want to make sure he’s OK. Then I remember he doesn’t want me too.                          Everyday I just want to call him. Then I see that he hasn’t once called my phone.

I remember how he used to make feel, like a princess. I was his ‘babygirl’. Then I remember how he later took me for granted and now I’m just another ex.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry# 11/11/11 – Remembrance Day

Hello all

Its the 11/11/11 and Remembrance Day. A day to remember those who have died and have made it possible for you to be here and live the life you live today. This time of year is particularly special and sad for me as it was my late Grandfathers birthday on Tuesday the 8/11. I often think of him, but this Tuesday morning I just burst into tears. I was thinking about how much he sacrificed and worked so hard for his family. He never wanted to leave Jamaica but came here and worked long shifts for British Rail. He and my Grandmother were able to buy their own home and provide my Mum, Aunty and Uncles with a good life. He wasn’t always talkative but I remember his bellowing voice embezzled with his Jamaican accent. I remember how he never actually called me by my actual name but by my nickname he gave me; that now everyone uses. I remember how he would put me on his knee when he came home from work and bounce his leg up and down before he went for his smoke. I remember if me and my cousins tried to sneak in the kitchen when he was smoking he would flash his lighter up and we would run away only to try again 2seconds later. I rememeber my tears when he moved back to Jamaica to fufill his dream to go back home, I remember My mum telling me how proud he was when she went to University and how hard he always worked. I remember everyone called you Doctor because you could fix anything. I remember your funeral in Jamaica. I remember our tears.

I think it hit me more this week as I was thinking about how my Grandma is already planning to come to England from Jamaica for my graduation in July and even though you are part of the reason I am here studying; you won’t be here to see me graduate. Grandad I know  you are always with me I just want to let you know that I miss you and I still remember you.

Everyone is doing well, I know that makes you smile I will always Love you.

Kisses

From your Granbaby

Never forget

Diary entry# 06/09/11- Mis-conceived

Conceived in loves most defining action

On a day where the contraceptive was lost in distraction

A few weeks later two lines were proof that you were here

But joy was not an ingredient in the composite of my salty tears

It was fear, it was worry, it was panic, it was too soon

So your two makers together took steps to make you disappear

But before we could, you left with a painful- stomach-cramping-bleeding goodbye

You did it for us to save us from the guilty cries

I know you will return one day back

When the time is right, back

When mummy and daddy are husband and wife

When you do we will do everything for you,

And I promise to, no matter what, love you with my life.

Diary entry# 2/09/11-Doorway

I've done this before
I know I did it previously
I've been here already
I'm here once again
It was that exact 
Door that I went through
Probably the same thing behind it 
Well it's a bit scarier than I remember
Entrance a bit tighter than I remember
Not sure if I can go this way again
This doors a little heavier 
But there was great love on the other side 
But eventually great pain snuck its way in too
I'm standing at this threshold hoping that I can trust you.