Games are made to be played.
Two players are more fun than one.
But the game where the two are unspoken opponents
Can become less about pleasure and more about pain
So you keep playing them games
…Keep playing all by yourself
I’ve already reached the finish and I’m not starting again.
Has my past relationship effed me up? hell yeah
I just don’t care … you see I loved hard, I loved completely and unconditionally. I put my all into my relationship would have fought for it through whatever but I did it all for someone who did none of this in return then threw my love back in my face. So am I interested in loving like that again? NO. Was it worth it? NO. Perhaps the question I should really ask is was he worth it? NO (even though I thought so for nearly 4 years). and now really is anyone worth it????
So now I don’t care. Theres a guy who calls me just to see if I’m ok, sweet guy very attractive guy but when he calls sometimes I don’t answer not because of him beacause I just don’t care whether I speak to him or not- yet he still phones.
Today I blew off a date with another guy who I had fun with just last night (not that kind of fun we was out with a group of friends u naughty readers) but today I was tired and couldn’t be bothered because I just didn’t care- even though he’s rearranged for another day.
Although I still love him, I have no desire to love Mr X the way I used to because I felt so unappreciated- I still fucking care!! For a while actually I don’t think I did. I woke up in his arms last week and didn’t feel that love I described above I didn’t feel at all to be honest, this wall I’ve built around me has stopped me feeling anything I just didn’t care. But fast forward a week and feel like I’m being disguarded again and all of a sudden I’m caring; caring about who he’s with, why he’s not afraid to loose me and why he still doesn’t love me.
lol I’m here caring while turning down dates from someone who’s I know actually wants to spend time with me. But you know what who cares if I care? Not me! I still won’t let Mr X, these other two dudes or anyone fuck me over again forget a wall I’m about to build a fort – I just don’t care for love and caring its over-rated
Haha Don’t mind me just shit on my mind tonight … need to get back to my dissertation
Kisses
Dollm
*also written last week but just getting round to posting*
Ok so I mentioned some tid bits about Mr X in my previous post, so you may be wondering about what’s going on there?
Well we are back on speaking terms. He was very supportive during the time that I was unwell he would check up on me and visit often. Naturally my parents tongues set wagging asking what going on between you two? How comes he’s always here? They absolutely love him by the way *shrugs* probably the only people who have been team Mr X during this whole thing. He even phoned my mum on mothers day which she loved
Anyway all visits were very platonic a cuddle here or there maybe a kiss goodbye but that’s it.
He has a BlackBerry now as do I and he gave me his pin. Now my bb is where I vent and say what I want because unlike fb I only have a select few on there so I was slightly hesitant about us being on each others bbm. Plus would I like what I see on his?
Anyway we did and thus are in a lot more contact talk almost daily for the 1st time since the break-up. Towards the end of my time off I started flirting with him it was fun then the convo went deep with him talking about doing right by me and not wanting to hurt me again. Well I wasn’t prepared to go that deep that day right then so I just said he no longer has to worry about doing right by me only I can/will do that I’m looking out for me now so I’m good with that! To be honest why would I want to rely on him now we’ve broken up when I couldn’t do that whilst we were together?
Anyway after that conversation things changed, things were good, things happened… If you know what I mean!
I was having fun that’s all I know. I haven’t thought about it any deeper than that. I think because I accepted that I love him even before we started talking again I don’t stress about that yes I love him …and what? Does it mean I trust him not to act up again? Nope. Does that make everything perfect again? nope. Does that mean he feels the same?
…I honestly don’t know how he feels and I haven’t asked. He can tell me if he wants to so far he hasn’t but he’s been really sweet doing the things he probably should have done when we were together – like make a real effort for me. I mean I wasn’t even the one to suggest that he came to see me that was a shock because our last argument together as a couple was to do with the fact he hadn’t even been to my new place! but I’m appreciative of it now while it lasts-if it lasts
Am I still talking to other guys? Well Mr Distraction I pretty much ignore lol. There’s a guy I know really likes me, he’s very good looking but I’m just not clicking with his personality at all, he bores me sometimes but to be fair he usually calls when I’m really busy and I haven’t had a moment to take him up on that date but he’s really sweet to me. Another guy has made his intentions clear also but he’s in London and my free time is pretty much zero at the moment but we text and he’s really funny. In fact there’s a few at the moment even my friend asked what have u been praying for? To which I responded just to graduate :-s lol
Do I think Mr X is at least talking to other women? Maybe, I haven’t asked.
I’m just feeling good about myself right now and not because of him or anyone else just me 
Kisses
Dollm
Hello all
It’s been soo long I know fail! I haven’t even logged onto WordPress in what feels like forever – even this very post I wrote last week and I’m just now posting it. I’ve not been a good blogger and even worse reader/blog follower I apologise.
So what’s been going on?
Life really… I got back to uni after my operation and straight back into work. I was so stressed about being behind that I got 2 assignments done in 2days! Go me! But by the end of the week I was in casualty sicking up blood 
I’ve never felt so ill in my life ugh it was awful and 2 days before my birthday
God heard my prayers and although I wasn’t 100% I was feel much better by my birthday which was Monday 26th I was 22! 
when did that happen? I still feel 18 I’m fully out my teens now
Anyway I had an amazing birthday got so much love, cards gifts and more cards and phone calls texts facebook messages, status and display picture dedications etc from all my family and friends in London and abroad and Mr X. I even had phone calls from people I haven’t spoken to in ages but remembered it was my bday. I got my nails done, my hair done and later in the evening I went out for a meal with all my course mates. I felt so spoilt.
But it was also a busy week work wise in fact I was at uni at 7:50am everyday including on my birthday during Easter break I also had to give a presentation at a conference in Birmingham on the Thursday. I was the youngest person speaking and quite nervous plus still wasn’t feeling all that well but guess what? Your girl only went and won the prize for the best presentation!!! So shocked but happy and now I have a chance to be published now too.
By the time the weekend rolled round I was exhausted but because I don’t seem to want sleep I had 25+ people coming to my flat from across England (well most came up from London + Sheffield) to celebrate my bday again. The evening started with food and lots of alcohol at mine then 5 taxis to town to a nightclub by which point I was completely wasted and then ended with me finally getting everyone who had passed out on my bed out my room at 7am so I could pass out!
It was a seriously epic night we’ve all been talking about it since to be honest its probably one of those we’ll still talk about in years to come so much happened. Out of the 25 of us there was 7 gorgeous girls and as my friend stated all these hot guys that I’d been hiding lol (I didn’t realise I knew so many guys when I was in a relationship?)
Here are some things I recall from the night
Things I don’t recall but I have since been notified about
pic does this jacket no justice I feel like Beyonce in it lol and its warm the miss selfrideges website says on sale for £45 but I got it in store on sale for £15 BARGAIN!!
The dress I wore on sat was actually a birthday gift from last year from Mr X but I’ve never worn it. Here’s a pic I send my friend beforehand whilst trying to decide what colour shoes to buy I went with purple. I lost probably like half a stone whilst I was sick although that was awful at the time it made for sexy body in the dresses lol.
The weekend was especially exciting for me and one of my girls being newly single in the four years we’ve been at uni together I don’t think we’ve ever let loose like that It was very freeing for us and to be accepting of so much male attention. Whilst I maintain I’m still very much single and somewhat enjoying it Mr X drove all the way up to see me the next day (shockface) yes the same Mr X who couldn’t be asked to come and see me when we were together but you know what it was the perfect ending to my amazing week. I’m in a good place at the moment -I’m happy doing me and whatever makes me happy.
Having said that its back to the books now only 2months left of uni last hurdle so bare with me and the blogging for a while
Kisses
Every time I hear a woman say “that’s why I don’t mess with females or I only have guy friends” I roll my eyes.
Why? Because in most cases they’re just the type of women who cause drama amongst other women anyway. A whole gender can’t be against you, maybe you need to check yourself. The type of women who say all that are usually the most bitchiest, screwface don’t nobody want them as a friend kinda person anyway.
Yes some women can be catty and jealous I know this. I just don’t have Miss Catty or Miss Jealous as my friends, true friends are down for you whatever sex. Maybe you just associate with no good females? I haven’t been in a situation with ‘bitchiness’ in years. Because I only choose to associate with people who I actually like. Now listen carefully you can still have issues with a female friend I have -Yes you may fall out but not simply because she’s a woman.
Its different when your in school/work and you have to be around people you don’t like I get there could be problems then. But outside of that its up to you to choose. Start making better choices!
Kisses
Dollm
