I know you know I’ve been partying in it up over the last week or so. But I also backslid …so to speak with Mr X over the weekend …twice (I know I know) he invited me round he COOKED me an amazing meal!!! (1st time in 3 years #shockedface) He was opening up to me, snuggling up to me like as if nothing had ever happened. I was very honest and told him that I do not trust him, he said he could feel that my barriers were up and I was different. He said he loves me and has missed me but wait for it …. He still doesn’t know what he wants!
Now I know its not been so long since we first broke up but I am definitely a stronger me than even 3 weeks ago. To be honest I didn’t even feel the same with him I was emotionally numb. I said that every time we make contact he tries to keep me hanging on yet ultimately he couldn’t commit to our relationship. we could play girlfriend and boyfriend and all that entailed but not actually be together? (mama didn’t raise a fool) So I made the decision that he is not to contact me unless he is willing to step-up if not I need to be able to move on. As soon as those words departed from my mouth, the numbness evaporated and I felt that hurt of loosing him all over again. However this time I did not fall apart, it was my call and I knew it was right. You can’t force anyone to want to be with you. I was just exhausted from loving with no reciprocation. That was the end ….or so I thought
The next morning he called he said he wanted to try again, he misses me and does not want to loose me because he loves me. I told him I needed time to think. We have spoken and seen each other since but we haven’t actually continued that conversation. (I am actually doing the thinking now so sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble)
How I feel right now? I realized that although I managed to suppress my feelings last week I still do love Mr X and I do want to be with him, we have some relationship issues which I believe if we are both willing can be worked on. The thing is… with reference to my post Diary entry# 26/08/11- Where did ‘I’ go? -Can I have ‘me’ back please? I have been really enjoying ME. I don’t want to fall back into that homemaker/wifey- all-and only-about her man kind of girl again. I don’t want to see other guys but I have enjoyed living my life for myself over that short time. Maybe its the summer hols? I don’t know all I know is I’m going to Love ME no matter and I can still do that while loving him right! Oh and part of loving oneself is to also realize he needs to love you (with actions and words) enough too. I will tell him this and we will see