Diary entry# 31/08/11- Update on LOVE

Heya

I know you know I’ve been partying in it up over the last week or so. But I also backslid …so to speak with Mr X over the weekend …twice (I know I know) he invited me round he COOKED me an amazing meal!!! (1st time in 3 years #shockedface) He was opening up to me, snuggling up to me like as if nothing had ever happened. I was very honest and told him that I do not trust him, he said he could feel that my barriers were up and I was different. He said he loves me and has missed me but wait for it …. He still doesn’t know what he wants!

Now I know its not been so long since we first broke up but I am definitely a stronger me than even 3 weeks ago. To be honest I didn’t even feel the same with him I was emotionally numb. I said that every time we make contact he tries to keep me hanging on yet ultimately he couldn’t commit to our relationship. we could play girlfriend and boyfriend and all that entailed but not actually be together? (mama didn’t raise a fool)  So I made the decision that he is not to contact me unless he is willing to step-up if not I need to be able to move on. As soon as those words departed from my mouth, the numbness evaporated and I felt that hurt of loosing him all over again. However this time I did not fall apart, it was my call and I knew it was right. You can’t force anyone to want to be with you. I was just exhausted from loving with no reciprocation. That was the end ….or so I thought

The next morning he called he said he wanted to try again, he misses me and does not want to loose me because he loves me. I told him I needed time to think. We have spoken and seen each other since but we haven’t actually continued that conversation. (I am actually doing the thinking now so sorry if this has been a bit of a ramble)

 How I feel right now? I realized that although I managed to suppress my feelings last week I still do love Mr X and I do want to be with him, we have some relationship issues which I believe if we are both willing can be worked on. The thing is… with reference to my post Diary entry# 26/08/11- Where did ‘I’ go? -Can I have ‘me’ back please? I have been really enjoying ME. I don’t want to fall back into that homemaker/wifey- all-and only-about her man kind of girl again. I don’t want to see other guys but I have enjoyed living my life for myself over that short time. Maybe its the summer hols? I don’t know all I know is I’m going to Love ME no matter and I can still do that while loving him right! Oh and part of loving oneself is to also realize he needs to love you (with actions and words) enough too. I will tell him this and we will see

Kisses

Dollm

Diary entry# 30/08/11 – Last weeks pieces

Little Brother

So my bobble-head little brother turned 12 last thursday (they grow up so fast) here is an exert from a poem I wrote for him a few years back (ahh its a shame he no longer accepts poems as gifts, its more along the lines of trainers, games and money please now lol)

‘little brother, I beamed

with joy, on the day that you arrived.

In that very instant when I gazed upon your miniature face

I knew that I would love you for the rest of my life.’

Grandma

 Last week my Grandmother left England to go back and live in the Caribbean. I know its what she wants and she has a beautiful house (I have my own room bathroom and sea front balcony view #can’twaittovisit)  but I will miss her, she is the life and soul of our family and the best cook in the whole wide world! (many will vouch) and lets not even go there with her world famous cake baking (literally world famous). Her along with my dearly departed grandfather are my biggest inspirations in life. She came to this country in her late teens with grandad and they worked so hard and achieved so much as well as paving the way for their children and their children’s children. My grandmother is creative; from her cooking to baking to floral arrrangements, dress making (she’s a Saville Row trained tailor) and was also a nurse for 28 years. She is also super -fly no one believes she my gran because she looks so young!

some of my grans handy work

Beyonce 

I absolutely love this song, but I was kind of avoiding it because its something I shared with Mr X but then the vid came out and I love it again its a stunning song. Also congrats on the pregnancy to you and Jay

Beyonce is finally pregnant

Alcohol 

So I went out about 5 times last week and I think I had more alcohol than I have had in the whole year. Is it only me who thinks that cocktails are ok because they are healthy with all that fruit? lol I think I will cool it for this coming week though I have a lot of pre- University/term stuff to do

Mojito- My favorite cocktail!

finally … Notting Hill Carnival 2011

I went Carni’ yesterday I used to attend every year, even participated in the parade a few times in costume but I have not been in 3 years (coincidence). I had a great time there was some apprehension in the media of trouble due to the recent riots but there didn’t seem to be any. In fact I didn’t do any of the ducking from flying glass bottles or running from hoards of hooded-young boys looking for trouble as I have in the past. It was pure good vybez. Good music, Good food, Good people young and old. The guys are still thirsty, no change there but you can’t blame them really all these females (dressed for carnival) in one place lol. The male friend we went with did the ‘nah bruv, thats my lil sister’ thing so we were good. It is a shame that police lock it down at 7pm now however but hey.  So here is some  music that gives me the Carnival vibe this year went down a treat at the pre-carnival event I attended Saturday which was also fantastic and well worth the hangover!

Kisses

Dollm

Diary entry# 26/08/11- Where did ‘I’ go? -Can I have ‘me’ back please?

..So I’ve been enjoying going out and doing things whilst I have some free time and still on a salary (last pay check this month then its back to being a student:-s). I’ve had fun, feeling alive, don’t get me wrong Mr. X is still at the back  (and sometimes the front too) of my mind but something is reappearing… What is it? I think it’s me…

One of the many things that was said in that 3hr phone call, was Mr X stating that he needs me to be more recessive. He needs to be the man ‘if he puts his foot down that should be it’. Now the irony is I always wanted him to be alpha male and I often let him control things- I know some of my friends thought was mad but I liked being cared for and vice-versa. I thought he was joking when he used to say the man is not supposed to cook, but did all the cooking anyway because I love cooking and he loved my cooking it was a way of showing my appreciation for the things he did for me. I did however have opinions that didn’t always agree with his own (that was one of his complaints). For 3years I lived my everyday life for us and I didn’t have a problem with it. I loved him.

I didn’t realize that I had suppressed myself in my relationship to be honest I don’t know if I did. Because I was only 18 at the time I met him, just finishing college; since then I’ve moved to other cites, studied, travelled, worked but when I look back at the essence of me, who I really am there seems to be blur over the last 3years. I am certainly not the little girl that I was before but now I am on my own for the first time as a woman. And I don’t have a reference point for it, this is a whole new journey.

I’ve always been independent, driven and ambitious in terms of my studies and career but personally, not so much. Some may disagree but I think it is ok to put your all into a relationship when your mate is too but if it is even slightly one sided you’re just loosing yourself. A healthy Relationship with oneself-(esteem, worth, respect) is paramount be it single or in a relationship I may not be over Mr X but that doesn’t need to stop me from achieving this and will go on my list of alongside my academic, career and other goals.

So I’m not sure when she came along but I think I’m just getting ‘me’ back

I do not own this image

 

Kisses

Dollm

Diary entry #22/08/11- Last weeks pieces

Here are few things that have touched, inspired or comforted me over the past week.

I think this quote speaks for its self and may be something I may have to come to terms with:“To love someone is to understand each other, to laugh together, to smile with your heart and to trust one another. One important thing is to let each other go if one of you can’t do this” -source unknown

something I cried to: 

Something I grooved to: beautiful voice I think everyone wants someone to take care of them and to be able to care for them just the same … 

Kisses

Dollm

Diary entry #21/08/11- update on ME

Hellloooo

Just got in from a street party t’was supposed to be a stay-in-relaxation-day but hey I’m young, free and …single???

Ok so in my former post Diary entry #18/08/11- wth?? part 2 I said myself and Mr X had a 3 hour convo/argument. Well before this I was doing ok-ish just starting to feel fine. But by end of those 3hours I felt like I had been put right back to square one again; with him still not wanting to be in a relationship and me being upset about it. He said we should wait a year and get back together once I graduate as he doesn’t want to mess things up for me during my final year but he doesn’t want to cut all ties completely, because he still wants to be there to support me. ‘I said you have a cheek’ I am not sitting around waiting for him for a year and whatever ‘not cutting all ties’ entailed. I told him that I am stronger than he gives me credit for and that I know that there is life outside of him but I can’t be in limbo with him, if we can’t be together then I need to forget him and move on. That was really hard to say but I said it through the tears because I know its right.

After saying that he asked if we could meet up on Saturday (yesterday)  by this time severe tiredness had set in, I was half asleep and so confused. I asked ‘for what? so you can break up with me again?’ he said  we could go for something to eat, catch a movie. He also said he would do something that was very important to me that I asked him to do over a year ago he then said that we should maybe wait until he does it before we meet up. (I am not sure how I feel about disclosing what this thing at this stage in my blogging life depending on how things progress I’ll see how I feel about letting you guys know) the conversation ended there and I conked out zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz but woke up slightly confused were we going to try again? how do I really feel about this?

That evening I went out just before I got to where I was going I called Mr X to clarify whether or not we were going to meet up (guess subconsciously I also wanted him to know that I was going out ) he said he thought we decided to wait but we could if I wanted too. I let him know that I had a family gathering that evening so it would have to be during the day. He said he would let me know … I got a text later apologising saying that he won’t be able to make it for quite legitimate reasons to be fair and that he knows I am probably tired of his apologies now but he is sorry. I simply replied ‘OK’ and enjoyed my evening. I had cocktails good food, hung out with friends, met cool people, did crazy drunken things and didn’t get home until 3 in the afternoon the next day. I had soo much fun it was the first time I felt my age (21) in a long time.

hmmm should I make this into another post??? no I think I will hide it here lol… ‘I made -out (kissed) with someone else’ it was just a bit of fun and a nice self-esteem boost but very strange I haven’t seen anyone other than Mr X for over 3 years and was not that experienced before him.

I haven’t heard from Mr X since he sent the text that evening and still really confused especially after Friday night too, not sure whether to contact him but I am trying to just enjoy myself and do me. I had a great weekend and hoping to continue to have good days whatever happens. hope you guys do too.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary entry #18/08/11- wth?? part 2

I know I said this blog won’t just be about Mr X but I’m week one of our break up, after week 2? 5? 3?..(I’ll let you know) if I’m still going on about it you can slap me. But guys (especially @ Liberte Sexuelle who warned me as did everyone with me) I got totally sucked in (yh I know I know). We just got off the phone after 3hrs, we went round and round and round my head is spinning from all the shouting, screaming, crying, debating, rationalizing. I don’t even have the energy to get into it tonight forgive me and I will tell you tomorrow. But then he ended with him saying he is going to do something I asked him a long time ago to do so that we could try again. I’m exhausted and not really sure what happened or what is going to happen. So much for a relaxing time away …again wth?

Diary entry# 18/08/11-wth??

So I am away at the moment having a break. Last night he text me. I was not expecting him to contact me, he can be cold at times and it was always up to me to cave. This time I knew as much as love him I couldn’t because he left so he has to choose me and I need to move forward because it may never happen.

Yesterday evening I was with some friends looked down at my phone to see a text from Mr X number saying: ‘are you still angry with me?’

I debated about whether I should respond or leave it, one friend said ignore! Another said ask him why? Another said be honest but don’t get sucked into an argument.

I eventually replied : ‘why? what does it really matter?’

He said he just wanted to know how I was doing? Typical he wanted me to ease his guilt. I won’t get into the entire conversation ( I don’t want to bore you) he said that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, but its very emotional for him and he is not going to react in the same way as me. Then he said its not fair that I think he doesn’t love or care about me and that I think everything is messed up and I am trying to forget him. he said don’t you think you’re overreacting just a bit? Its not even been a week yet? He broke up with me what did he expect forget a fast-forward button this fool is trying to put me on pause!!

And as I write this post he texted me to say: “good afternoon baby”

part of me wants him to leave me alone and part of me just want him back

confused.com

Kisses

Dollm

 

Diary entry# 16/08/11- Retail therapy!

So hit up Oxford Street today with a friend to get some makemefeelbetter goodies. The whole thing was completely stressful I dont know why I get amnesia every time I think of going to the West End; its always too busy, too hot and people forget how to walk like a sane person but I always think its a good idea. Every time.

I did get myself some jeans from H&M, a  really cool jumper from the other H&M up the road. I got it in a size 16 (huge for me) so I could wear it oversized and off the shoulder. Some make-up from Selfridges.  A pair of jeans from the new Forever 21 store (don’t get American jean sizes, neither did the sales assistants it seemed  :-s I just wanted a UK size 10) and some shoes from Zara. I attempted primark picked up some goodies then got annoyed with all the people like the lady who tried to mow me down with her pram (I looked at her and said ‘its excuse me please’ she looked at me blankly so I’m guessing she’s a tourist and can’t speak english or has some sort of politeness retardation). Also the ridiculous temperature in the shop and the fact that there were 100 size 12s but no size 10s of this top I liked, plus the queues were going round the shop so I just dumped everything I had where I was and told my friend it was time to go! (gosh I used to hate people who would just dump clothing anywhere like I did when I worked in a shop at the weekends age 16.. oops )

I stuck to my promise and did not by any high heeled shoes …I have a problem I am a shoe-aholic

Saw lots of couples today and it did make me a little sad then I remembered that even if we were still together, (other than it being a weekday -work) Mr X would never come clothes shopping with me anyway. I recall only doing that once. He did used get me lots of nice things but usually sent his sisters to get them, I don’t want someone to necessarily buy everything but its nice to have his opinion. I know a lot of heterosexual men don’t like to shop and a lot I saw today were parked up by posts holding bags and looking bored out of there minds whilst there other halves wizzed round the store in a manic frenzy, but they were there all the same…

Not so sure how therapeutic it was but thanks to my girly who kept me giggling today. Off out now have a good evening!

Kisses

Dollm

I do not own this images

I do not own this image

What I got today.

Diary Entry #15/08/11- Fast-forward button anyone?

So I’m having a not so good day. the tears are just relentless and concurrent, they wont stop (my tear ducts are actually starting to get on my nerves lol)

It doesn’t help that I just finished a yearlong full-time work placement and I am back at home until term starts in october. I currently have way too much time on my hands. I’ll be quite busy from tomorrow onwards so hopefully my mind will be occupied. Friends have even planned a night out on Friday  .

Everyone is saying that it will get better in time, of that I have no doubt. But can I get a fast-forward button???

can I have one please? I do not own this image

Diary entry# 15/08/11- Do I have to hate him in order to let go?

So my break-up with Mr X took over two weeks. Admittedly that was down to me he would have been happy to up the deuces and run like the wind! But for me this was not a break up he took that decision out of my hand he just simply walked out on our relationship. I tried to get him to see that we could try again I didn’t understand why he was doing this? If he loved me he would try again I screamed

He says he did and still does love me. He misses me every day he can’t breathe without me and just wants to hold me but he’s doing this for us we need to work on ourselves be able to stand on our own. He understands his initial decision was rash & harsh but if he gets back with me now he would have hurt me for no reason. He is adamant that he is doing the right thing

He gave me the hope I didn’t have the right to have; to believe we would get back together soon. He then ripped it away almost immediately saying he’s giving me mixed messages and he has to be cruel to be kind and to take this breakup as permanent.

With that hope lost I sent him one last venomous text, something along the lines of “I hate u, you never loved me, you hurt me …” You get the picture. deleted his number (ok so i sent it to my email first) I haven’t contacted him since (don’t clap yet it’s only been 2 days). But I had to get to that point first, the point where I was so angry, I hated him!

It’s hard to accept something is gone when it was just pulled from you with no prior warning. How do you let go of something that’s already been taken away from you?

Well I’m trying to forget how in love and happy I was. I have to remember I’m not upset about someone amazing I’m hurting over someone who didn’t love me, who hated having to come and see me, who has intentionally tried to hurt me, who didn’t see me for who I was who didn’t appreciate me. Someone who just walked out on me. Everyday I’m going to try and realise that i shouldn’t want him back, he never deserved me and we were a mistake.

It’s just hard trying to hate someone you still love….

I do not own image. Image provided by heartbreak graphics

Kisses

Dollm