Diary Entry#12/03/13 – So there’s this guy…

Hey

I know I disappeared again. Forgive me. It’s been crazy couple of months at work travelling here and there but been good all the same. Things are going so great for my career at the moment, so as tired as I am I can’t complain. Life in general is really busy but really good actually, for both work and social life.  A significant amount of my free time has become me and Mr time.

So yes there is a new man in my life. Was thinking of what I shall call him on here… Mr Big (how very Carrie Bradshaw of me lol he’s not like that Mr Big but the name is apt )
To be honest it’s all happened fast and come as a surprise to me but we have quickly become more serious fixtures in each other’s lives. I’ve met his parents andthen he met my whooole family – Mum, Dad, brother, Auntys, Uncles, Grandma the whole shabang lol at a family party. He loved them!

But to backtrack a bit; I’ve actually known Mr Big for a few years as we went to the same University and know a lot of the same people, him being a few years senior. To be honest I thought he was good looking but I found him and his friends really really annoying. I very much limited any interaction with eye rolling. Almost a year ago we crossed paths again at my house party but it was his friend who was on my case. However his friend had a girlfriend and thought I would not find out! Yh, that was quite funny when I asked if she would join us for our first date … lol anyway to add another complexity he had a drunken make out session with one of my friends during uni days. So when he stepped to me around the end of last year I was like this is one messy situation I’d rather not be part of. He really wanted me to get to know him, find out who he really is and that he was not like his friend, give him a chance.

I had no intention of taking him seriously I found it all very amusing. But I have been pleasantly surprised he is just not who I had previously judged him to be. After giving him such a hard time; He has shown me he is not who I thought he was but in an ironic twist of fate that he’s exactly what I said I want. Crazy huh? I mean sometimes I can see he is making a point to show me that I should take him seriously but most of the time it’s when he’s just being him and I get to know him more that I’m just blown away. Like if someone told me a few years ago that we’d be here I would not have believed them at all. And he probably wouldn’t have either as he says, back in the day I was always ‘extremely uninterested’ and never single lol, and he was young living the studentlife! The whole thing has just snuck up and surprised us both lol. We have also very much surprised our mutual friends but they are all really happy for us.

He makes me laugh all the time. He’s not threatened by my achievements or career he always wants to know more. He encourages and inspires me too, in the way he handles his business and career, he wants to learn French something I have been doing on and off for years – he is like well baby, we are going to do it together! We are both in similar places with our career. He’s book smart and street smart so we read the same things and we have crazy fun together too. He talks about future us and settling down. We have amazing chemistry, everything is so so so very hawt *fans self* He is definitely my type in looks! I really like him.

I guess you could say things have moved quickly between us, even so I am very much living in the moment and enjoying seeing how things go. He’s definitely been more expressive than I was. I suppose  I’ve been somewhat guarded, I wasn’t really nervous about him though. Nope I was actually nervous about me, about getting too caught up again, become dependent on anyone, opening myself up. But I decided eff it! live fearlessly! (post to follow).

We both have a giggle about how life is funny and the interesting path we have taken to get to the point we are at now. Who would have guessed it ? But yeah basically to update you guys that’s my baby

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry #21/01/13 – A cold hearted ex chick (zero feelings)

Was reading one of my fave bloggers where a reminder of her ex husband reignited some emotions. Serenityluv was married for 17 years and had children with her ex so is understandable that there will always be a tie and connection.  Although my situation was completely different, and no comparison really it got me thinking – for my ex I don’t feel a damn thing!

I don’t feel anything. No hate, no love just indifference. People say once you love someone especially your first love you will love them forever. I had fully accepted that would be the case. But I just don’t feel anything. I don’t think of him from one day to the next. And I have absolutely no negative feelings towards him. The fact is that it’s been wonderful not to. Not to have him on my mind wondering what he’s doing, why he didn’t care about me blah blah blah.  He no longer lives rent free in my brain and it feels fantastic – actually it just feels normal. I am at peace with it all and have moved on. But I am wondering should I feel something? Is it bad that I don’t? Ok so we don’t share any mutual friends, kids or financial ties. But it was four years of my life. He was my 1st everything and now I just feel nothing? Is that really normal?

Family and friends still make jokes/comments about him/us and it just washes over me or I laugh. Like when I was moving out into my own flat my mum gave me the bear he gave me (which she had been keeping in her room???) and my girl was like we should burn it and my mum was like nooo keep it – the two of them had me in stitches. In the end I took it as it’s a cute bear and I don’t have any emotions associated with it.

Up untill recently I still used to refer to him when we have relationship/sex gossips with the girls as he is my last point of reference … But now the ‘new new’ name is always in my mouth lol.

Yh I don’t  miss him but to be fair things weren’t good between us for soo long that there isn’t much to miss. Like say we were blissfully happy then boom it ended I would probably miss it but for us it was 2.5-3years that were really good and then a subsequent 18months of mostly misery. So my lasting recollection of it all isn’t necessarily something I would miss right? Was talking to my guy friend about this earlier who said maybe if he hadn’t been such a dick to you. You would have missed him lol.

I am actually appreciative of it all now the good and the bad times; I am appreciative because it taught me so much about myself. I’ve grown so much since then end and now know exactly what I want and what I don’t and what I will not accept. I actually messaged him on new year’s day. Wished him a happy new years and birthday. I wasn’t going to but I bumped into his friend and said I would- because the last time I spoke to him I wasn’t the kindest…I just wanted him to know there’s no hard feelings. I had to put his number back in my phone and messaged him. He messaged me back and that was that after which I deleted the number again because I don’t really need it. From the messaging app I could see a pic of him though, and although I could say he looked good, I was not attracted to him at all! I no longer find him attractive. That was really weird like he used to be the most attractive and sexiest person in the world to me and now I don’t find him attractive. Maybe it’s because I’ve since dated guys who look very different to him and liked them (though the guy I am seeing now apparently looks like Mr X according to some) or maybe because to me attraction is not just about looks, but it’s equally about the person. I already told you all I am a personality fiend. I don’t know really… but that was weird and it was when I first realised that I had in fact got over him.

I am just really happy I have moved on. It was something I didn’t think would be possible I thought I’d be hopelessly in love and heartbroken forever. I couldn’t even see myself happy alone; let alone with anyone else.  Yes he hurt me but I don’t hate him, I don’t blame him either.  Like if I saw him tomorrow I’d say hi have a quick chat and get on with my day. Before I was dreading ever bumping into him, I never wanted to see him again.

As happy as me having moved on makes me; in a paradox it makes me feel bad that I don’t really feel anything for someone who once was so important to me that I wanted to spend my life with. It worries me that the whole ordeal has made me cold that I won’t be able to feel deeply for anyone now. I don’t think that I am cynical and I am open to love again and I am very much enjoying my new guy.  Its as if my heart was never broken and I was never in love before, everything is brand new

It’s not that I don’t care, not saying that at all. I would like to think that if god forbid anything happened to Mr X I would care. Like I said  I could see him and just say hi and bye but I actually think I’d be cool with us being friends, not best buddies but if we spoke and just catch up and see how each other is doing I wouldn’t mind. It’s not something I need, so wouldn’t necessarily instigate it but I wouldn’t have a problem with it either. But at the end of the day as long as I’m all good and he’s all good – we aight lol.

You know who I do miss sometimes? His family like I really do miss them lol way more than him. I sent them xmas card and texted his sis a bit. They are a wonderful family and part of the reason I fell for him. weird huh?

What do you guys think? That I’m a cold hearted chick?

Kisses

Dollm

was going to finish on a deep note but this cracked me up

Diary Entry #14/01/13 -Update on Love (part 2) …Him

I’ve dated quite a bit over the last 6-7months. I have found dating sometimes fun, strange, boring, interesting and awkward.

Some guys have been total loosers, or boring as board. Some have been nice enough for a few dates, good looking, good jobs etc but I was enjoying being free and single for the first time as an adult really.
I enjoyed flirting with who I want,
being selfish with my time, going out an wild partying as I pleased. And with me working away a lot to maintain a relationship would require some effort. And to be frank no one was that amazing for me to give up young single life and put in that amount of effort. I’m in a good space I don’t need anyone to come and mess with that.

After being in a relationship for so long I’m just not willing to jump into one for the sake of it or just to say that I have a man. I was happy living for me for once. Putting me first.

But as you know there’s always that one guy… I was super dubious about him as I’ve known/experienced him and his crew and their reputation from when we were at University. To say I have given him a hard time would be an understatement. When we were on our first date I pretty much told him that I think he’s full of shit. He’s been trying to show me otherwise.
Despite my eye rolling there are some things I really like about him;

we have fun together – I refuse to be in a miserable boring relationship again! I’m young and I need excitement lol we can have fun at the club with my friends and his friends, dinner for two or a night in on the sofa.

He’s older but not that much older my friends were like hurrah someone who is not ancient – lol they so rude !

He works in a simular world to me we both have to live that coorperate life when at work.

We have a lot in common - in his words we are ‘compatible’. He is intelligent, ambitious, confident and has a very simular outlook on life as me. You already know intelligence and confidence is sexy as hell to me

He’s very good looking but more importantly I’m attracted to him very much so …sigh. We have very very strong chemistry. Not sure if I have had such a strong connection with anyone in this way. I mean yh the frenchman but that was on some fairytale/rom-com movie ish. I mean like real life connection lol. I thinks its whats kept me on and intrigued dedpite the fact ‘I didn’t take him seriously’ at first

That said I wouldn’t say I have deep feelings for him, yet but he makes me laugh and smile – and we can’t get enough of each other. We’ve had an interesting backstory to where we are today (whole other post) but I’ve been pleasently surprised and happy and he sees this going the distance, he wants to show me off, spend time with me etc – Things that were lacking with my previous I’m slowly learning to accept from my present.

Although I personally think I had good reasons to be cynical (e.g. His friend tried to date me but didn’t realise I knew he had a gf just 1 part of the backstory) I think I have used some of that to not get caught up. Everyone I’ve dated since Mr X I’ve kept at arms length, with him whilst still treading cautiously, we’ve gone further, we’ve got to know each other and we just do as we feel.

He’s not Mr X. He’s someone different and thats another thing I really like about him cos that difference already feels better!

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry #14/01/13- Update on Love (part1)…In Paris

The frenchman …sigh. Last I wrote I was falling head over heels in lust and infactuation lol. There was just something everything about this dude. I had to go to Paris for work so spent sometime with him there -sidenote everyone in Paris is attractive …seriously everyone!

Him, Me and Paris oh baby, oo lala I was on a high for days after! I think I mentioned before that he is a soldier so I wasn’t taking it too seriously but I definetly enjoyed the ride. With my work and his work being so hectic I couldn’t commit to more than that and now we are really good friends.
He still tells me that I’m his belle fille-translation beautiful girl *swoons* and I said -”we’ll always have Paris…”

Bisous (Kisses)

Dollm

Diary Entry #07/01/13 – Looking back at me from here.

So I as I’ve been returning to blogging I decided to take a look at some old posts and I came across last years resolutions resoultions/happiness
People moan about not sticking to resolutions and the cynics say people never change …. You wanna see how I faired?

1. Graduate this year with a 1st class masters degree.
- Not only did I get a 1st class Masters degree. I got the top grade in my year. I won 3 awards and was honored and awarded at this very posh do by some of the most elite and prestitious scientisits at and awards ceromny in central London only a few months ago for my dissertation project.

2. Pass my driving test  ok so not quite but I’ve made progress I have like two lessons a week now as I really need to drive for my job and have a company car waiting with my name on it! I’m pretty sure my driving instructor has got greyer but I’m getting there.

3. Figure out what direction I want to take my career
- I’d be lying if I said I know exactly what I want to do/be but I am really enjoying what I’m currently doing which is project management. And I am making big steps forward in my career already. I have also figured out what I’m not interested in doing and have a clear plan for the next couple of years. I have great career mentor and coaches who are helping me achieve this. I have been identified as someone they want to fastrack to senior manangement. What I do know is that in the next 4 years I’ll be running a multi-million pound business.

4. Make a whole leap-a-money -ok so I’ve only been working three months so I’m not rich …yet. I am however on very good pay for someone straight out of University. More than some of my peers and even colleagues who have been working longer so I feel very blessed and on track with this goal as this is just my starting salary. What I said this time last year which coincides with above was that ultimately I don’t want to be making some big cheese CEO rich forever but that I want to be that CEO and eat that chedder lol. Also I recieved money from prizes and awards last year.

5. Stay healthy -well the start of 2012 didn’t bare to well for this one as I had to have an operation due to my medical condition. Slap bang in the middle of my final year. But it didn’t stop me from achieving and now I am fully recovered and healthy- THANK YOU. ( in terms of my medical condition – been slacking on the gym tho lol)

6. Grow in my faith - I have attended church for years but couldn’t really say I had strong faith. Although I do love going to church now (admittedly dont make it every week). I have found my faith has grown in more private moments. A few months ago I started reading daily devotionals and bible study like word for today which puts it into real life context. Taking notes then meditating. I do thia everynight before bed. And my life has transformed. To know God is to know Love and I can feel that in every part of my life. I have never been happier and more grateful and now feel and understand Gods presence in my life. I’m not a perfect christian, I don’t bible bash, I still have fun but I do feel closer to God.

7. Be happy & get my self confidence back.
Done and done lol. This time last year I thought this was the least tangible and achievable of my resolutions. I had just split up with an ex, totally heart broken and stressed with University and just life.
That was then and its just incredible how things can take a turn. Letting go was the best thing I ever did. Because I was able to live my own life. I had an amazing summer filled with fun and laughter and now I’m living the life I want. I’m seeing someone I have fun with, who makes me smile and treats me how I want to be treated. But its me who has chosen to be happy and the fact I have achieved 1-6. I’ve let go of insecurities, anger and baggage shit I ain’t got no worries

To be honest I had completely fogot I wrote these but its exactly what my heart wanted and so I am happy that I can look back to find I’ve pretty much done it. As for this year I have already got a list I didn’t do it for the new year per se infact I did it a couple months ago and I meditate on these things as part of my nightly routine then the next day get up and do it/ get it. I have already been crossing off things on the list. In the post last year I included a quote saying “a goal written down is half a goal achieved”. Its definelty true give it a go.

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry #04/01/13 – Life and me = Love

Helloooo
Happy New Year!!

Anyone still there???
I just fell off huh?
I’ve been meaning to get on here for the past how long now sigh…
I’m ok, I’m still here …I’m fricken darn well great actually! Life has just been soo busy but good busy. I dont even know where to start!

My first three months at work have flown by. And its been fantastic I was soo worried before I started becuase I really didn’t know what I wanted to do. But I am so grateful I just did it because I LOVE my job! I have had such major opportunities so early in my career from travel to dinner with the CEO, selected to head projects by the execs  – I really enjoy what I do. And I know that is rare so I am so happy.  l’ve got a lot to deliver in 2013 but I got this lol!

Work is good but hectic and I travel a fair bit so come the weekend I turn up! Lol I’ve just been having so much fun and spending time with my LOVEdones.
At home and …. In PARIS !!! Oui baby (post to follow)

I am soo happy my life has changed 360. My carreer, my relationships, my money, my health, my faith, my state of mind, my LOVE life have all been straight blessed- I’m just LOVING life right now.

Even a few months ago I would have never imagined saying that 2012 was a year that was so amazing to me. But hell its been so damn good to me. I am so grateful and excited about this new year

I started this blog on a whole other position and it/you got me through some tough times. All I do is smile now and I want to carry on blogging and sharing. If your reading this and something or even everything in your life is a mess just skip down to my first post and trust me things can turn around. I was hurt but I healed and if one thing I can now do to help is to say sometimes its the choices YOU  make in others that hurt you the most so choose yourself choose Self LOVE.

I have soooo much more to write but I don’t wanna put the whole howeverlong its been into one post so just gimme a sec honeys

Missed yah

Kisses

Dollm

Diary Entry #02/10/12- career chick!

Been ghost again haven’t I *sigh*. No excuse other than life I have started my new job and I’m settling in well. Had so many doubts before I started like is this for me? What do I really want to do? Should I have done a PhD ? And you know what I still have no idea. But I’m startinh to see my path to my success!

But work is going well I have a very good job especially when I look around at my peers struggling to find work. I am on a very high profile position with great pay and perks and essentially I am being given a fast track in my career.

And I am enjoying it so far. I am a project manager and run a team and my first project will implement major changes on the business at a whole site … no pressure eh?  Its been quite hectic and I have been doing a lot of travelling up and down the country which is why on my free time I just crash out. But on the upside how many grads can say they were put up in a swanky hotel had dinner with the CEO and Europe president of a global company in their second week?

The only downside to my job is the location ugh is all I can say its a nice enough place but far out and finding accommodation has been an issue to say the least. Because I travel a lot it hasn’t been too bad and the company handle the hotellife but I haven’t got a permanent place yet so I’m living that hotel life all the damn time. Nice n all but its hard to feel settled. At the moment I just go home to my parents in London at the weekends when I’m not up and down the country seeing friends for the weekend… sigh. See a lot of my friends have moved out of London for work and further study and all got new places they want me to come see which I didn’t have time too when studying.

So yh thats it really work and travel and play of course lol the week before last I was raving it up big style in London Sunday night then on a train 7am in the morning for a work meeting somewhere in Rugby ! Work hard play hard they say. Everyone at work is really nice too some are pretty hilarious the only thing I work with all levels off staff for my project and closely with senior management they want me to find ways in which they can save money and by that they mean cut some of ‘lower’ staff I feel awful because there’s definitely an us and them culture here but I have to develop a good repoar with ‘them’ so they get on board with the changes I want to make eeek  

Anyway I always rise to a challenge! And so far I’ve made a lot of big and great impressions. Go me!

Amongst all the crazy I’ve had a bit of time for romance will update soon. Got a couple of crazy days and evenings ahead (work n play) catch you on the weekend.

Kisses

Dollm